Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm weak; sometimes I fall in my wandering. I feel like my life has been one giant rollercoaster on its way to derailment. Today, I NEEDED to get out of the house. Where did I go/Where am I? Gateway of course! The doors are almost always open here. I feel safe here. I think it's time to say what I'm thankful for because I have been so down and out lately. Todd L, words can't describe how thankful I am for him. He's been my mentor and father figure for me since I gave my life to God a little over 2 years ago. Ryan W, for getting me back into church after two months and for being a great friend to me... we went to my first Rangers game together! Dalton P, he's not only been a friend, but he's been a brother to me. He's seen my depression first hand and still wants to be around me. Those three I am extremely thankful for. They are all helping me become a man of Christ and helping me to keep going, reminding me that God isn't done with me yet!

I'm sitting at some lake in Texas... It really helps being here. It makes life seem really simple. And just as I write this, a flood of depression came flooding in. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I need to think of a better way to end everything... and just as I wrote this, Dalton told me he couldn't hang because something "came up." I think it's amazing how much people don't want to be around me. I think it's funny that I asked him earlier if we could get together and chat, but I always get a 'no' from everyone. If I were to die, I wonder how fast I'd be forgotten about. I'm so easily overlooked and forgotten about as is. It would mean the world if I just had one friend... that's it. Someone that wanted to hang out, someone that saw through my mess, someone that trusted in me enough to open up, and vice versa. Each day I see myself giving up more and more and each day my thoughts of suicide get worse. Makes me wonder which day will be the day it all becomes too much, gets so bad, that I'll be gone. This journal, this blog, is literally the only thing that I have that is here for me. I'm out of sight, out of mind to everyone else.

This trip is coming to a close and we are on the road back home. One thing I've learned is that I need better friends. There were a lot of moments where Lauren and Andrea treated me like crap. Lauren dangles herself in front of guys while "talking" to other ones. Andrea is extremely self-centered. It's all sad to say, but it's true. It's now time to break away from these people and start over... again.

There is not an ounce of me that wants to be alive. I feel like I'm unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved. Tonight we went to a country bar to go dancing and every time Lauren turned me down to dance, Cory would ask her and she would say yes. Andrea was mean to me almost this whole day. Cory would buy Todd a beer, but not me, which made me feel like crap. One thing I learned about these people from this trip is that these are people I can't surround myself with. I'd be kicked to the curb so fast if a "hot guy" was standing in front of Lauren. Andrea thinks of herself first. Cory isn't a big fan of me. I feel like I'm so alone and that's all I'll ever be. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm on a road trip to California right now with Cory. Andrea, and Lauren. To be honest, thoughts of suicide have been high for me. Even right now, I'd love to die. I feel like everything is caving in and I'm so broke, I can't even afford to breathe air. I'm hoping this trip will remind me of who I am.

This is the only thing that will "listen" to me. I turned 26 on August 1st (it was on a Saturday), my close friends made plans without me. I spent the whole weekend alone. I've never felt so unwanted and uncared for before... and today I feel so alone that I could take my life right now.

It's been a while since I've written in this, or even blogged for that matter. This isn't really saying much expect the fact that I miss this... that's all!