Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm weak; sometimes I fall in my wandering. I feel like my life has been one giant rollercoaster on its way to derailment. Today, I NEEDED to get out of the house. Where did I go/Where am I? Gateway of course! The doors are almost always open here. I feel safe here. I think it's time to say what I'm thankful for because I have been so down and out lately. Todd L, words can't describe how thankful I am for him. He's been my mentor and father figure for me since I gave my life to God a little over 2 years ago. Ryan W, for getting me back into church after two months and for being a great friend to me... we went to my first Rangers game together! Dalton P, he's not only been a friend, but he's been a brother to me. He's seen my depression first hand and still wants to be around me. Those three I am extremely thankful for. They are all helping me become a man of Christ and helping me to keep going, reminding me that God isn't done with me yet!

I'm sitting at some lake in Texas... It really helps being here. It makes life seem really simple. And just as I write this, a flood of depression came flooding in. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I need to think of a better way to end everything... and just as I wrote this, Dalton told me he couldn't hang because something "came up." I think it's amazing how much people don't want to be around me. I think it's funny that I asked him earlier if we could get together and chat, but I always get a 'no' from everyone. If I were to die, I wonder how fast I'd be forgotten about. I'm so easily overlooked and forgotten about as is. It would mean the world if I just had one friend... that's it. Someone that wanted to hang out, someone that saw through my mess, someone that trusted in me enough to open up, and vice versa. Each day I see myself giving up more and more and each day my thoughts of suicide get worse. Makes me wonder which day will be the day it all becomes too much, gets so bad, that I'll be gone. This journal, this blog, is literally the only thing that I have that is here for me. I'm out of sight, out of mind to everyone else.

This trip is coming to a close and we are on the road back home. One thing I've learned is that I need better friends. There were a lot of moments where Lauren and Andrea treated me like crap. Lauren dangles herself in front of guys while "talking" to other ones. Andrea is extremely self-centered. It's all sad to say, but it's true. It's now time to break away from these people and start over... again.

There is not an ounce of me that wants to be alive. I feel like I'm unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved. Tonight we went to a country bar to go dancing and every time Lauren turned me down to dance, Cory would ask her and she would say yes. Andrea was mean to me almost this whole day. Cory would buy Todd a beer, but not me, which made me feel like crap. One thing I learned about these people from this trip is that these are people I can't surround myself with. I'd be kicked to the curb so fast if a "hot guy" was standing in front of Lauren. Andrea thinks of herself first. Cory isn't a big fan of me. I feel like I'm so alone and that's all I'll ever be. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm on a road trip to California right now with Cory. Andrea, and Lauren. To be honest, thoughts of suicide have been high for me. Even right now, I'd love to die. I feel like everything is caving in and I'm so broke, I can't even afford to breathe air. I'm hoping this trip will remind me of who I am.

This is the only thing that will "listen" to me. I turned 26 on August 1st (it was on a Saturday), my close friends made plans without me. I spent the whole weekend alone. I've never felt so unwanted and uncared for before... and today I feel so alone that I could take my life right now.

It's been a while since I've written in this, or even blogged for that matter. This isn't really saying much expect the fact that I miss this... that's all!

This retreat is coming to an end and I'm leaving changed. How could you not though? I'm waiting for breakfast right now, it's at 8:45, so I have 20 minutes. I've had conversations here with people that were so unexpected... actually, the only conversations I had here were unexpected. For once, I chose to listen rather than talk. I loved it!

I'm on a retreat at Gateway's young adult group (VII). So much of me is changing lately. Not just this weekend, but that Men's Summit to now, I'm a totally different guy... I'm turning into a man. Todd L gave me a work, I think I'm going to type it up and put it in the back of this. I have no idea where my life is heading or the person I'm going to be, but for once, I have high hopes. I don't want me to define myself by my past anymore. I'm ready to heal and move on! I'm determined to overcome my depression. I'm determined to move on from current and past circumstances. I'm ready to be a true man of God, even if it means I have to dive out of my comfort zone. No more defenses, no more guarding, no more fighting. It's time to let people in, even if it means I'm going to get hurt again!

Todd Lane's word for me:
I have a word for Schlogan. Now, I feel now this could be a word for others. I know Schlogan, we meet on occasion. So, I'm just declaring that to you that there's part of this that I do know about him. But here's what I felt, there's a significance.. and I know going into this retreat you were like, "You know, I don't necessary know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me." And I felt today that there is something significant about this retreat. Here's what I felt like the Lord began to show me: Your life has been marked by significant events, a lot of them are tragic. So, you are one who has been marked; there are mile markers in your life. And those mile markers have been part of what you carry about yourself. Today is a new mile marker. This weekend is a new and significant shift. So every one of those events that have been tragic and have affected your life, they've been part of building an armor. And you've come here this weekend and your armor is sort of.. and when I say armor, it's not been part of a good armor, but it's part of what you've built around yourself; It's tattered, it's torn, it's frayed. And this weekend, what God is wanting to do, is He's grabbing all of that and He is ripping it off. And He's creating a new mile marker in this day. And as opposed to all events that patched up things on you and began to build things around you. In one foul swoop, He is tearing that one down and He is building a new armor, on you this weekend. And I want to encourage you and anyone else in here, as you hear that and you feel like your life has been marked by events that have been tragic and events that have marked you. That's how you've carried them, you let them mark you. And I want you to embrace and accept this word today. Today is a tearing down or ripping off of the old guard that's been built around you, that's been built around your heart; it's a ripping and tearing down. And then as opposed to a lot of other times of "who built this!?" He's creating a new one. Building it from the feet up all the way to surrounding your head. Guard your heart, change the thinking. Put the helmet of Salvation over you. It's new. This is a significant weekend. This is the mile marker you going to remember now. This is what is marking you. God, today, is marking you. And the armor that you wear now is not the armor of old. It's a armor of new, created fully by Him. And with that new armor, you'll walk in a new way. You'll carry yourself in a new way. How you walk and carried yourself in the old armor might have been how that armor was designed. It could have been clunky, it could have weighed you down, or this or that. The new armor will carry you in a new way. You're going to walk in it in a new way and a fresh way.

I just completely lost myself in worship for the first time in a long time. I got so overwhelmed I had to hold in the tears or I would have broken down. David Moore's song The Hand I Hold completely captivated me and reminded me of why I'm still fighting in this world. I'm determined to get through this depression; get through this darkness. I'm ready to fight!

I'm at the Men's Summit at Gateway right now. God is bringing so much restoration to my heart and my soul. I ran into Alex L, someone who has rejected me and hurt me. I ran into Jonathan H, someone who I felt rejected me, but was letting God do work in me (so he says). Rob W, someone who I really looked up to but walked out on me. And as I'm writing this, I ran into someone I met at Grace Church when he was in middle school (Six78). I'm in complete shock with how much of my past is here right now.

I have never felt more like crap. I'm at The Porch right now and mainly came to see Lucas because I don't get to see him during the week When it came time to sit in our seats, I got pushed to sit behind him. It's surprising that the seat meant more than the visitor (This is the first time I've been to The Porch). He's rather have a better seat than sit by a friend of his. it made me feel rejected, unwanted, not cared for, small, and inadequate. After tonight, I doubt I'll ever come back here, let alone talk to Lucas again. I don't know why it hurts so much, it shouldn't I just met the dude about two weeks ago. Easy come, easy go.

I met up with Lucas this morning and opened up to him about what I'm walking through in life right now. I'm sitting with him at church 'cause I missed it this morning. I'm starting to think my life is going to turn around!

Once again, Kari Jobe reduced me to tears. Healing tears. I almost forgot how thick God could get and how real He is. How much He loves me, and how He knows every single detail about me. I am not alone and I'm not meant to walk this life by myself. I have a mentor that loves me and hopefully new friends that do too, but most importantly, I am loved by Him!

Why are my thoughts of suicide increasing right now? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. Chad will call the cops, these new friends will reject me, and my old friends want me to drink. I feel lost, stuck, and alone. I just don't want to live anymore! All I want are people around me that really love Jesus (a solid community) and for me to forget my past... that's it!

I feel so alive during worship. I feel God is close, yet when it stops, I can't stop thinking of suicide. I hate myself and I don't know why.

Thank you God for blessing my broken road for it led me straight to Him!

Phil Wickam is singing at Linger right now. As he was singing the bridge & chorus of Hillsong's Oceans, I was completely reduced to tears. Satan has stolen so uch from me, but God has been blessing me with so much more.

I have never felt more accepted in my life as I do in these past 24 hours. Viviana, Lucas' friend, gave me a Valentine's Day card. Lucas shot me a text this morning... these people seem pretty legit!

Day 2 at the Linger Conference. I got here at 7:30 and was literally the first person here other thank two workers. It's so quiet! I decided to break the silences with thoughts of prayer. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but I do know good things are about to be happening. I am truly blessed to have the mentor I have. He keeps me growing and keeps my eyes focused on God. I am thankful that I have two jobs so I can afford food, gas, and bills again. Good things are finally happening.

Still at Longer and Ben Stuart is talking about anxiety. I never realized how stressed I always am. I feel like I'm constantly being pushed to a breaking point. A point where I start to feel unloved, unwanted, and suicidal. I want to break this pattern.

I met a guy named Lucas C, he introduced me to his group of friends and we all sat together for lunch. I don't know if this is a prayer answered of a lesion learned. Either way, God is really speaking to me during this conference.

I wish I had a close Christian brother. I wish I had Christian friends. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm texting Chad right now, during these amazing Chick-fil-a videos, and asked if we could hang after. He said he needs to do family time. I'm not mad or upset, but it just made me really wish I had a family. I think it just put me into a small depression

It's crazy how much my life has been turning around, thanks to Chad, thanks to God. I just got a second job. I'm at Chick-fil-a again. I'm actually watching orientation videos right now. I'm also going to a stewardship class at Gateway. Things are finally turning around!

I'm sitting at Chad's church, Northwood, right now. Two things first pop into my head. (1) I am so thankful for Gateway. I'm thankful for Pastor Robert Morris. I'm thankful for his spirit-led leadership and how he leads his church. (2) I'm also thankful for the atmosphere of Gateway. You can feel the spirit move there, especially during worship. It's not that I don't not like this church, I just sense disorganization and some immaturity from the pastor. He gets side tracked a lot and cracks jokes that distracts from the message. Then again, I am not a pastor and I don't know his life. Maybe this church just isn't for me. I will continue to come though, this is my mentor's church and he is being fed here. I trust him and want to walk like him because he is the closest person I know that walks like Jesus did.

Why does suicide keep creeping in my head?

Two days ago, I gave Chad some homework; to do the 5 Love Language text, the Spiritual Gifts test, and the Strengths Finder test. Yesterday, he did all of them. His top love languages are Acts of Service tied with Words of Affirmation (9), followed by Physical Touch (8), Quality Time (3), and Receiving Gifts (1). His top strengths are Adaptability, Connectedness, Strategic, Belief, and Futuristic. His top spiritual gifts are Faith (35), Exhortation (33), Giving (32), Mercy (31), Wisdom (31), and Pastor (31).  After seeing his "personality traits," I feel like I understand him a little better now. I still don't understand why he cares so much about me though.. random side note, I think I'm starting to like basketball... how weird! I've watched two games and was thoroughly entertained both times!

I have been reduced to complete humility with Chad today. We chatted for a bit after everyone left the gym; we talked about quiet time and about demons. We went to go pick up his daughter and I confessed to him about a struggle I've been having and he come at me with straight love. We also prayed over a demon I dreamt about last night (the same one that used to haunt me). On top of all that, he bought me dinner. It was really hard accepting that because up 'til now, no one has ever really gave me anything. I've never really received any gifts from anyone, not even on Christmas. Chad, on the other hand, has given me so much. I don't understand it at all.

I asked Chad what his views on me where three days ago and he said, "emotional, hurt, venerable, caring, loving, loveable, weak, stubborn, someone who would die for me." I'm very curious to see how those change in the next few weeks/months/years. It's crazy to even ponder the fact that Chad will still want to know me that long or even the fact that I may not push him out of my life. I've never had someone in my life that I feel safe around. He is the first person I really look up to. He is a true man of God; you can even see it in his eyes, I how he talks, in how he operates around others. I think it's fair to say that God put him in my life to show me what a true Christ follower looks like.

I was just looking back on the past "entries" in here. One of the last times I wrote in here (11/12/14), I was searching for a mentor and a gym partner. What's crazy is that Chad is now my mentor and he has been training me in the gym. I didn't even put two-and-two together 'til just now! It was a desire of mine and God answered it!

I'm at the Linger Conference at Watermark Church. I got here at 7:30am; it starts at 10. I'm wandering around the church and checking it out and I stumbled across a "prayer room" (an IHOP style prayer room). Tears instantly filled my eyes as I walked in hearing, "Jesus paid it all/all to Him I owe/sin has left a crimson state/He washed it white as snow.

I'm up at Battleground Fitness right now. I feel so safe here, like all of my cares and worries just go away. As I was writing the date, I just realized I got arrested twice this month.. wow! I feel like so much has been stolen from me. What happened to that small town kid? The one that ran when everyone walked. The one that never second guessed anything. The one that didn't care if people were watching. I used to never feel the bruises put on me from people and laughed when I fell down. I would bounce back from every lose. I was always the first to say, "I love you" to people. I love like it wasn't ever going to hurt... what happened to me? I  became not only afraid of people, but afraid of myself as well. I cringe when people say "I love you" to me. I don't let myself get vulnerable because I'm afraid of the bruises. I want to be that kid again. I feel like the city life has changed me for the worst. What's cool is that I'm starting to have hope come back into my life. I feel like a good change is coming, even though my current circumstances say otherwise. I think true healing begins when you come to where you are broken within. That's what I'm starting to do.

It's been a second since I've written in here. I've switched to writing on my phone the last couple times, but I will be back to writing in here again. My lie has been taking a tumble these last couple weeks. Chad has been here for me these last 10 days(ish). I'm at his son's basketball game right now. This day seemed to have turned around for the better. I just hope I don't run or push this guy away like I do everyone else in my life. I feel like I'm learning so much from him; how to be a man of God, how to follow Christ, how to turn from sin. I actually have hope in my life right now.

I'm driving home right now and had to pull over on the side of the road because I can't stop crying. I don't understand how someone could care about me. Right when I was ready to give up and throw it all away, he pops into my life.

I've been sitting up at Battleground Fitness for a good hour juts observing Chad and everyone here. Brooke, an old friend that I knew when I lived in Denton, came in. She reminded me of who I used to be and what I used to be like when I was living there.. I really have come a long way. I think I needed to be reminded of that. These last couple weeks have been one huge blur for me. I've been losing myself hardcore.

I'm starting to see holes in Tanner and red flags. He told me that he'd get into the Bible with me and told me he'd go to a clinic with me for something that's really important, and when he had a chance to do it (either of them), he invited people over to his place rather than being there for me. I feel like his top priority is always Amanda and after that is this circle of friends and after that is me (if I'm even placed there). This moment reinforces that thought.. I feel bad for saying all this because Tanner has done so much for me, but now he is showing signs that he is getting tired of me and before I know it, he is going to walk out on me.

On my way to get my hat and apron for work tomorrow and Tanner invites me to go to Amanda's/ The usual people are going to be there; Mychal, Ally, and Vince. I appreciate the gesture and everything but it would be nice to be involved in the plan making. Be invited by someone other than Tanner (and I know he only invites me 'cause he is my ride and is stuck with me). I know the second Tanner moves away to Cali Mychal and Amanda will no longer talk to me again and we will go back to being strangers. The only reason why I'm around is because of Tanner. Once I have my car again, IF I have my car again, I'd be really surprised if I get invited out.

I'm sitting in the back seat of Amanda's car being a third wheel right now. There is so much going through my head right now and I'm at the point to where I don't want to live anymore... at all