Lord, I'm so sorry for my absence in my prayer life. You have no idea how much your helping me through this hard time. Thank you for bringing me Ben C. into my life. I spent this weekend at his house here in Hillsboro. I'm so thankful for letting me witness just how a Christian family functions. They are so loving! I opened up to Ben last night... about everything. For the first time, I felt safe being venerable and crying. I'm learning so much from him. He has so much love. In a way I feel like I don't even deserve a friend like this. Lord, you are so good to me, even though I suck as a person. Although I don't know why I'm going through all this, I DO know your keeping me safe. Thank you for that! Thank you for my job, my car, Sam and Jenny, thank you for music Lord. I'm laying down here watching Bed read in Exodus. He has such a deep love for you Lord. I wanna be there. I wanna know more of you! I wanna have people ask why I'm so different, and I wanna reply with your name. I give all thanks to you. I wanna have a Christian family. I want everyone to love you. I wanna love you and be in your word more Lord. I wanna pray more. I can do all this with you!

Hey Lord, last night was really really difficult. I miss Jev so much. I cried so hard last night, I wish I could feel your arms around me. Mike Patrick isn't really here anymore, but he says he is by not talking to me, which makes no sense. Also, I met this guy named Marty F. I ran into him at Grace as he was coming out of an NA meeting. I asked him to be my sponsor about 2 weeks after I met him. He's been sober/clean for about 2 years. He asked me to come to some meetings with him. I'm kinda scared, but I know I can do it. LOL! I feel like I'm playing a game of catch up right now. I haven't been in here as much.. I got into a car accident last Friday and called off of work at Lowe's (I was on my way into Express Scripts) and they fired me on Sunday. On Saturday, Casey and I went to the Lemp Haunted House. It seems like things are getting better. (No more 16 hour work days!) But at the same time I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. However, I do want to thank you for blessing me with this job at Express Scripts. It was well needed. I love you Lord!

Lord, Jev's death has been weighing down on me really hard on me lately. I can't stop crying, I feel so hopeless.

Hey Lord, I feel really depressed right now. I'm at Grace Church sitting next to Haylie. I haven't talked to her since the rape, she just disappeared on me. I texted her yesterday and kinda went off on her. I just miss having her around.

So here I am Lord, sitting here freaked out. I know it's been a while since I've written in here or prayed, but I need you Lord. I know your good and I see things you can do. I crashed my car this morning and still praised you for your greatness. I love you.

Holy cow! I've been up since 5:30am and went to work (first day) at Express Scripts and got off at 3:30 and then got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway for 40 minutes while on my way into Lowe's only to arrive 11 minutes late. I'm closing tonight (10pm)... so I'm working 16 hours today.. I feel dead. But I love you!

So sorry Lord for how much I drank last night. I should have never let myself get that low. Thanks for taking care of me though. I can't believe you still love me after all that I do. I guess it goes to show how great and merciful you truly are.

Lord, I'm at the bar right now, drunk... I need you. I hate life!

Lord, I think it's finally time to talk about my Grandpa. I miss him so much and I actually haven't talked about him since he passed away and it just started eating at me today, and I just realized how much I miss him. I have so many memories of him and his house. What sucks is that I took his presence for granted. I thought he was invincible and when he got sick, I ran. I got scared and ran away and I shouldn't have. Lord, you know how much I love him. It was only about a week before he passed that I started visiting him in the nursing home and I was in the room when he passed. That image is forever burnt in my head. Lord, I miss the time we went to Sam's Club to eat all their free samples and I miss going to the pound to visit the animals. I miss going "bumming" with him to all the stores. I miss hearing him sing. The way he talked about grandma was just amazing. His love for her is indescribable. I miss his white '99 Chrysler Cirrus. I miss sitting out on the back porch looking at the birdbath to my let and the tree that grandma planted with a tee spoon (now a gigantic tree) to my right. I remember every room in that house. I can do a complete walkthrough in my mind. And every room and hallway and even staircase has it's own memory(s). Just writing about all this to you is like taking a walk through a movie in my head. I keep tearing up Lord. I wanna just let all this out, but I can't 'cause I'm at work. Lord, who can I run to? Who can I cry to? Bryan W is at work, I can't go to anyone else, can I? I have a feeling Dan is not gonna be around anymore and to everyone else I just act like I'm fine... I'm not Lord!

God, I feel so great right now! I listened to worship music on my way into work and I met this dude named Mike Patrick, he's from Cali. He is sending me your word through texts. I also just met S. Shirley ad I'm trying to tell him about you. He has a huge false impression about you and thinks the bible is a crock of crap. He thinks there is no point of building a relationship with you 'cause he is gay and he thinks he is going to Hell anyways. It hurts hearing that. So, I have four prayer requests. The first is with my co-worker, Portia. I just heard that she is in the hospital for pneumonia and she is on gas right now. The second, my co-worker Kristine brought to my attention that a 4 (I think, but you know) year old girl, Autumn, has cancer and I pray that you heal her Lord. The third is my co-worker Ali, and her dad. I heard he is still battling cancer in his blood. The fourth is for S. Shirley, I pray I can be a light, your light, for him. I want him to know just how good you are and at the same time help me be strong. Don't let me run and give me all the right words to say. Speak through me!

Thanks for keeping me from having an attack. I had a great time tonight and I got to see you in a deeper light!

Lord, I'm kinda scared 'cause I'm about to do a cornfield maze, hay ride, and bone fire with a bunch of people I don't know. The only person I'm gonna know is the pastor (J. Proemsey). Please don't let me have an anxiety attack.

LOL! You would play a Heart song (What About Love) to calm my nerves! I definitely needed that, thanks! I'm still stressed, still feel like crap, but it's getting better.

Holy cow! I'm so overwhelmed at work. There are so many things going on right now and I know nothing about lumber and that's where I am for right now. I'm so stressed, please take it all away from me!

Hey God! I just want to lift up Ali's dad to you right now. I just found out he has cancer in his blood and now it has reached his brain. I pray that you perform a miracle and cure him and we can all rejoice and praise in your great name. Also, if you do choose to take him, please fold your arms around Ali and her family, they are going to need your help. Thanks!

Lord, help me reconnect with you. Help me be on fire for you again. Last night I drank, but I didn't let myself get drunk. Also, help me make the right decision into bringing Nikki (Katie R's friend) to church. I don't want her going just for guys, I want her to want to go for YOU Lord, and only you! I love you!

Also Lord, I'm struggling right now. I'm so stressed and my attitude is negative. I'm having thoughts of suicide. I just wish everything would just go away. I pray that you take these weights off my shoulders Lord. Please!

Hey Lord! I watched Cutthroat (Realworld/Roadrules Challenge) on MTV and saw this dude named Dan Walsh on there, he is a recovering alcoholic and I was really inspired on how he could be in a house with so many people drinking and still stay sober, I sent him a message on Facebook yesterday and he replied back today. Kinda cool how he took the time to do that when he doesn't even know who I am!

You're awesome Lord!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written in this. A lot has happened lately. Brittany H, from work, came to church with me last Wednesday. Something clicked with her and hopefully she starts reading the bible she got!

Holy cow Lord! So much to say.. I guess I'm going to start with saying thank you for putting Bryan W. in my life. I really let him in today and told him about my thought of suicide last night. I didn't expect for what he said next. He was hurt, he told me it would mess him up. He told me he looked up to me and that I've been helping him. He told me that I've been holding him accountable for some things. I can tell he trusts me.. that means so much! He also opened up (which is why I opened up) and told me he had sex today. He felt bad about it. I'm glad he can put trust in me and tell me something so personal to him. Lord, I pray that you be with him and that you help him conquer his addiction in drinking  and his lustful temptations with girls and sex. I also pray that I can continue being a light for him.. It is in your awesome name I pray!

Lord, where did all the fire go? Why am I deeply depressed? I don't want to live anymore.

Praise you Lord! Casey and I met up at Starbucks yesterday morning and we chatted and chilled. We are talking about going to a haunted house this month.. things are better between us now. Today at 6, I'm going to his church and he is going to lead worship.. I can't wait to praise you Lord! Also, thanks for bringing him back into my life. I didn't think he was ever gonna talk to me again, which sucked cause I thought of him as a brother.

Lord, crazy stuff! Deviate has changed me so much! I feel joy now. I feel on fire for you! Today my co-worker Portia J was depressed at work and I asked if I could pray for her about anything. She told me that money was getting short and that she couldn't afford toilet paper and laundry detergent and stuff... I'm so blessed I could... YOU let me be able to answer her prayers! Thanks to Matt H. and his business... and thanks to you, I can help get some money together and supply her with these necessities. I Praise You!

Lord, I just got back to work today and so far everything is great with me and you. I definitely notice a change! However, I would like to lift up my co-worker Paula D to you because her son was stabbed to death and I just want to pray that she remains in your word and let her know how much you love her. Thanks!

Wow! It's so encouraging being around all these Christians that are my age. I'm growing in you so much.

Lord, I ask that you lift up each and every heart in this room and you fold your loving arms around us.

I love you Lord!

I'm at Deviate right now. So far, so good. Lord, please help me open up to people and help me not get scared. Worship is up next... Cya!

Lord, it was a good time spending time with you. I feel that at the end of this that you will strip me down and heal me of everything that's going on in my life. Tomorrow at 10am is more worship for you... See ya then!!

Hey Lord! It's me! I just wanna thank you for a couple things. One, thanks for Jacob not turning his back on me. Turns out he just deleted his Facebook. Two, thanks for Bryan W. He is extremely patient with me and is here to talk to me and doesn't judge me. Three, thanks for this church (Matthias Lot). I'm growing so much through it, both as a person and in Christ. This weekend I'm going to a little weekend conference called Deviate, through Matthias, and I can't wait to make more Christian friends and, more importantly, grow more in Christ. Thanks for the pastor, Marc Sikma, I'm going for free! I have a sneaky feeling there might be some tears there though. Cool thing is, I'm rooming with Bryan W, so at least I'll know someone! Thanks Lord!

I'm coming to you right now Lord. I'm hurt... I'm lost... I don't want to be alive anymore. God, I just wish you would take me. I can't keep having people I look up to leave. Jacob J. blocked me on Facebook, for reasons unknown. What a huge blow that is Lord! Why the heck do people keep leaving?? Am I just that messed up that no one wants to be around me? And why, each time, it hurts this much? I'm close to ending it all right now... do you wanna stop me? Lord, he was the one Christina I had left to talk to... everyone else has peaced out. I'm ready to also! There is no point of me being here if I feel this alone all the time. I'm at work right now, almost in tears.. Kristine doesn't even wanna talk to me! WHAT DO I DO LORD!? I can't go on anymore. I'm trying, but I can't.

Lord, Lord, Lord... what to say right now? I read Ryan's Facebook status and it was a really cool apology. It's hard to stay mad at him, although, I'm still hurt. Usually I leave after I get hurt, but he is the closest thing I have to a family. So, I texted him and told him everything is alright. But yeah, crazy thing just happened! I'm wearing a cross necklace (the one Brian and Anne got me while they were on their honeymoon in Costa Rica) and a co-worker complimented me on it and then asked me if I was religious and I said yes and then showered her my wrist tattoo (the cross) and then she said, "Wow! I always thought you were too nice to be a Christian!" This kinda hurts hearing that! We should be known for our love for others, but it's all tainted by phony Christians out there. I want to change that!

Lord, I'm kinda scared, not gonna lie. I have my first counceling session with Gary Reeds today at 5:45pm. Also, Ryan replied to my Facebook message and had no clue what I was talking about... was he THAT drunk? But here is some good news! I got the job at Express Scripts!! I start in October, I can't wait. I just donno what I'm gonna do with Lowe's.

Thank you for calming me down

God, I'm stressing out! The Air Force just left Tiffany J's house for questioning and a friend called when I was at work and then Myles Allen texted me about counseling. Lord, I give it all to you!

Lord, things remain the same. Things are still crappy, but you are still amazing! Last night scared me though, the thoughts of suicide entered my mind. I just didn't wanna live anymore, please get these thoughts away. Also, two days ago Ryan R. said some things to me while we were throwing a party for his sister, Katie, because she was turning 20, and the things he said made me question how he really felt about me and if he even cares and if he only has me around so he can tell people that he saved my life. So I typed him up a Facebook message and told him about how I felt about that, I guess it's up to him if our friendship ends here. I don't want it to, but I'm also not a trophy on display. Please be with me Lord.

Lord, what has been going on lately!? It seems like the sun is shining even when the rain is pouring down... in other words, life and everything in it is so crappy right now, but you are still good and you have blessed me with so much that (for the most part) I take for granted.  Yes, all this stuff is going on, but I can see when the blind can't. I can run and walk when people are confined to wheel chairs. I can talk and sing when there is mute people! Thank you so much for all of this and everything I forgot to mention. Everyone walks out on me but you stay here beside me!

I talked to Jev's mom today on his aim (anightinthetank). She isn't doing good, please be with her and the rest of the family. Also with Cait, she is so heart broken.

So I know what it was all about, that Casey texted me for. He is pissed off at me 'cause he thought I lied to him about crap and he thought I was wanting him to have pity on me. That was a slap in the face. God, you know that I talked to him and Kaleb for different reasons. I learned so much from them both. I looked up to them like brothers. Now they are both gone and I'm alone, abandoned, once again. This time it hurts so much more though. Am I a bad person? Lord, I'm trying to rest in you, but I can't keep having people walk out on me. Especially right now. This is the time I need you and them most! What do I do? I'm lost and hurt.

Lord, I don't know what to think anymore. C. Peterson used to be such a great friend of mine, but now he is like a stranger. The last time I talked to him was when Sarah passed. I have called and texted since then and he just now texted back saying "hey, what's up"... I donno!? What IS up?

What a great day at work today! Thanks so much for making it happen, I really needed it! Thanks!!

Lord, these last few days hasn't been easy, but I can also tell that you are making it easier for me. You are bringing so many cool people into my life. J. Johnson, to mention one, is one of the coolest persons I've met. We just met up at Bread Co. today and we had a great conversation about you. He is taking so much time to talk to me and be here for me. M. Horton took me under his wing and gave me a place to stay. Hay Wah is here for/with me every hard step of the way. There is so much your doing to make my life easier. It's making these days easier. I may not know why I'm going through the things I am right now, but I know it's all in your hands and it's for the better. Lord, I will rest in that and I will rest in you. I love you!

Lord, I can't even sleep anymore. I just stay in bed all day. I can't believe all this is going on. To add fuel to the fire, V. Kimberlin told me not to talk to him anymore. He says I should "be a man" and "get over it." He also thinks I'm gay. Maybe that's the real reason he stopped talking to me. Thanks Lord, for having one more person walk out on me! It can't get any better than this!

So, I thought I'd write my thoughts out. Lord, y thoughts are getting the best of me. I just read one of Jev's notes on Facebook. He wrote it when he was coming off a high. He was talking about how alone he was and how he had no friends, at that I broke into tears at my register at work. At the very end of the note, he said how he coulda killed someone that night and then he said how he coulda killed himself... I don't think Jev knew how many people cared about him.. hell, I loved him like my big brother. I remember all those nights we stayed up talking and crying and laughing. I won't ever forget him. I never really thanked him for all his help. But I know he knew it meant a lot. It meant a lot that he called me his little brother. Thanks for listening God!

Well Lord, here I am again, falling apart. I just found out last night that Jevon passed away on Aug. 12th. I read his obituary that he passed away due to "head trauma from an accidental fall." I'm guessing alcohol was involved. Lord, between this and the rape, what do I do. Jev used to be my big brother. We talked about so much. We went through a ton together. Help me get through this.

Lord, life is getting hard again. I know your there! I'm strong all because of you. I know you were there 2 days ago when I was raped. I'm at the base right now to talk with some people about it. Please be with me, I'm scared. I don't wanna deal with all this stuff. Take it all away. In your name I pray.

Wow Lord! Thanks so much for the MTV show, If You Really Knew Me. It's showing me that I'm not alone in this world and the many things I feel, other people feel too. I'm at work right now and it gives me a new found respect for these everyday customers and co-workers. It makes me wanna get to know them on a more personal basis. What would they have to share? What is their story? What are they going through? What's their everyday thoughts? Lord, thanks for this show. It's giving me such an understanding for people. Lord, also, right now I ask that you help me trust. I know I lack so much in that department, but I need to start growing there before I close my heart off to everyone. It is in your awesome name I pray!

Lord, I come to you right now in the bleachers of my former high school. I look and see four people running and four people walking and one person catching his breathe. I wonder what's going on in their lives. On the outside they seem like they have it all together, but do they? Or am I the only one here that's trying to hold it together? Three months and Sarah's death still has me messed up. Everything still has me messed up God. God, lately I've been growing close to you but right now I feel far apart. I feel alone, unwanted, unloved. Lord, right now I ask that you fold your arms around me. Let me feel your love. I'm so tired of being hurt and sad. Get those emotions away from me. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I wanna love for you. I wanna be on fire for you again. Please help me!

Hello again! It's been a while since I've written in here. I just fell away from God. Sarah's death really took it's toll on me. I just recently started finding my way back to God. I've been going to Matthias Lot lately, met this dude named M. Horton. I'm staying with him and his roommate J. McCarthy for a bit so I can get back on my feet. I found that living with my dad was getting me depressed and I was close to ending my life a month ago. I'm somewhat happy now. I'm praying again and reading the bible! But I'm still struggling with drinking. It's gonna be harder now 'cause I just turned 21. Oh yeah! I just got a tattoo of a cross on my wrist. It symbolizes how God will NEVER leave me... it gives me hope.

It's been a while since I've written in here. So much as happened that it feels like a whirlwind of emotions are running through me. My cousin Sarah just passed away in a car accident last Friday.. four days ago. I've been having trouble sleeping. Last night I stayed up and cried and finally fell asleep an hour before I was supposed to get up for work. Then Kristine (my department manager) told me her sister knew Sarah and I'm finding out that she was thrown out of the truck window and the truck fell on top of her... man, that image is stuck in my head now. Also, Kristine's sister is telling me the wake is Friday and funeral is Saturday, but Angie (my cousin) is telling me that she doesn't really know.. why would she lie?

Oh man, this morning sucked Lord. I woke up and started getting ready for work and that song, "The House That Built Me" came on. It reminded me of gramps and his hose. I miss him so much. I've been crying at work and I can't stop. Please be with me Lord.. I need you!

So I'm sitting in the park by Creve Coeur's Lake and waterfall and I think It's so amazing how beautiful you are Lord! Everything you make is just beautiful and amazing! I praise you so much for this day and this life. It's so peaceful listening to the water falling and this music on my phone. I pray to you Lord, that I never forget this moment in my life. That I tell my kids about this moment.

So I'm at work right now and the Head Cashier is totally stressing me out. So here I am writing in this thing. Right now would be a good time to pray, so I would like to pray for Alex. I pray that you be with him. Help him say yes or no and help him become humble and to love others more. Help him conquer the sin of lust, 'cause we all know how hard it is to overcome that. Just be with him as he makes decisions in his life. Help ease his mind and be slow to react with anger. Help him be patient with his mom and help him understand her more. Most importantly, Lord, I ask that you help him remain in Your word and help him grow more in You. It is in Your name I pray... Amen.