Hey Lord, I feel really depressed right now. I'm at Grace Church sitting next to Haylie. I haven't talked to her since the rape, she just disappeared on me. I texted her yesterday and kinda went off on her. I just miss having her around.

So here I am Lord, sitting here freaked out. I know it's been a while since I've written in here or prayed, but I need you Lord. I know your good and I see things you can do. I crashed my car this morning and still praised you for your greatness. I love you.

Holy cow! I've been up since 5:30am and went to work (first day) at Express Scripts and got off at 3:30 and then got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway for 40 minutes while on my way into Lowe's only to arrive 11 minutes late. I'm closing tonight (10pm)... so I'm working 16 hours today.. I feel dead. But I love you!

So sorry Lord for how much I drank last night. I should have never let myself get that low. Thanks for taking care of me though. I can't believe you still love me after all that I do. I guess it goes to show how great and merciful you truly are.

Lord, I'm at the bar right now, drunk... I need you. I hate life!

Lord, I think it's finally time to talk about my Grandpa. I miss him so much and I actually haven't talked about him since he passed away and it just started eating at me today, and I just realized how much I miss him. I have so many memories of him and his house. What sucks is that I took his presence for granted. I thought he was invincible and when he got sick, I ran. I got scared and ran away and I shouldn't have. Lord, you know how much I love him. It was only about a week before he passed that I started visiting him in the nursing home and I was in the room when he passed. That image is forever burnt in my head. Lord, I miss the time we went to Sam's Club to eat all their free samples and I miss going to the pound to visit the animals. I miss going "bumming" with him to all the stores. I miss hearing him sing. The way he talked about grandma was just amazing. His love for her is indescribable. I miss his white '99 Chrysler Cirrus. I miss sitting out on the back porch looking at the birdbath to my let and the tree that grandma planted with a tee spoon (now a gigantic tree) to my right. I remember every room in that house. I can do a complete walkthrough in my mind. And every room and hallway and even staircase has it's own memory(s). Just writing about all this to you is like taking a walk through a movie in my head. I keep tearing up Lord. I wanna just let all this out, but I can't 'cause I'm at work. Lord, who can I run to? Who can I cry to? Bryan W is at work, I can't go to anyone else, can I? I have a feeling Dan is not gonna be around anymore and to everyone else I just act like I'm fine... I'm not Lord!

God, I feel so great right now! I listened to worship music on my way into work and I met this dude named Mike Patrick, he's from Cali. He is sending me your word through texts. I also just met S. Shirley ad I'm trying to tell him about you. He has a huge false impression about you and thinks the bible is a crock of crap. He thinks there is no point of building a relationship with you 'cause he is gay and he thinks he is going to Hell anyways. It hurts hearing that. So, I have four prayer requests. The first is with my co-worker, Portia. I just heard that she is in the hospital for pneumonia and she is on gas right now. The second, my co-worker Kristine brought to my attention that a 4 (I think, but you know) year old girl, Autumn, has cancer and I pray that you heal her Lord. The third is my co-worker Ali, and her dad. I heard he is still battling cancer in his blood. The fourth is for S. Shirley, I pray I can be a light, your light, for him. I want him to know just how good you are and at the same time help me be strong. Don't let me run and give me all the right words to say. Speak through me!

Thanks for keeping me from having an attack. I had a great time tonight and I got to see you in a deeper light!

Lord, I'm kinda scared 'cause I'm about to do a cornfield maze, hay ride, and bone fire with a bunch of people I don't know. The only person I'm gonna know is the pastor (J. Proemsey). Please don't let me have an anxiety attack.

LOL! You would play a Heart song (What About Love) to calm my nerves! I definitely needed that, thanks! I'm still stressed, still feel like crap, but it's getting better.

Holy cow! I'm so overwhelmed at work. There are so many things going on right now and I know nothing about lumber and that's where I am for right now. I'm so stressed, please take it all away from me!

Hey God! I just want to lift up Ali's dad to you right now. I just found out he has cancer in his blood and now it has reached his brain. I pray that you perform a miracle and cure him and we can all rejoice and praise in your great name. Also, if you do choose to take him, please fold your arms around Ali and her family, they are going to need your help. Thanks!

Lord, help me reconnect with you. Help me be on fire for you again. Last night I drank, but I didn't let myself get drunk. Also, help me make the right decision into bringing Nikki (Katie R's friend) to church. I don't want her going just for guys, I want her to want to go for YOU Lord, and only you! I love you!

Also Lord, I'm struggling right now. I'm so stressed and my attitude is negative. I'm having thoughts of suicide. I just wish everything would just go away. I pray that you take these weights off my shoulders Lord. Please!

Hey Lord! I watched Cutthroat (Realworld/Roadrules Challenge) on MTV and saw this dude named Dan Walsh on there, he is a recovering alcoholic and I was really inspired on how he could be in a house with so many people drinking and still stay sober, I sent him a message on Facebook yesterday and he replied back today. Kinda cool how he took the time to do that when he doesn't even know who I am!

You're awesome Lord!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written in this. A lot has happened lately. Brittany H, from work, came to church with me last Wednesday. Something clicked with her and hopefully she starts reading the bible she got!

Holy cow Lord! So much to say.. I guess I'm going to start with saying thank you for putting Bryan W. in my life. I really let him in today and told him about my thought of suicide last night. I didn't expect for what he said next. He was hurt, he told me it would mess him up. He told me he looked up to me and that I've been helping him. He told me that I've been holding him accountable for some things. I can tell he trusts me.. that means so much! He also opened up (which is why I opened up) and told me he had sex today. He felt bad about it. I'm glad he can put trust in me and tell me something so personal to him. Lord, I pray that you be with him and that you help him conquer his addiction in drinking  and his lustful temptations with girls and sex. I also pray that I can continue being a light for him.. It is in your awesome name I pray!

Lord, where did all the fire go? Why am I deeply depressed? I don't want to live anymore.

Praise you Lord! Casey and I met up at Starbucks yesterday morning and we chatted and chilled. We are talking about going to a haunted house this month.. things are better between us now. Today at 6, I'm going to his church and he is going to lead worship.. I can't wait to praise you Lord! Also, thanks for bringing him back into my life. I didn't think he was ever gonna talk to me again, which sucked cause I thought of him as a brother.