I have never felt more like crap. I'm at The Porch right now and mainly came to see Lucas because I don't get to see him during the week When it came time to sit in our seats, I got pushed to sit behind him. It's surprising that the seat meant more than the visitor (This is the first time I've been to The Porch). He's rather have a better seat than sit by a friend of his. it made me feel rejected, unwanted, not cared for, small, and inadequate. After tonight, I doubt I'll ever come back here, let alone talk to Lucas again. I don't know why it hurts so much, it shouldn't I just met the dude about two weeks ago. Easy come, easy go.

I met up with Lucas this morning and opened up to him about what I'm walking through in life right now. I'm sitting with him at church 'cause I missed it this morning. I'm starting to think my life is going to turn around!

Once again, Kari Jobe reduced me to tears. Healing tears. I almost forgot how thick God could get and how real He is. How much He loves me, and how He knows every single detail about me. I am not alone and I'm not meant to walk this life by myself. I have a mentor that loves me and hopefully new friends that do too, but most importantly, I am loved by Him!

Why are my thoughts of suicide increasing right now? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. Chad will call the cops, these new friends will reject me, and my old friends want me to drink. I feel lost, stuck, and alone. I just don't want to live anymore! All I want are people around me that really love Jesus (a solid community) and for me to forget my past... that's it!

I feel so alive during worship. I feel God is close, yet when it stops, I can't stop thinking of suicide. I hate myself and I don't know why.

Thank you God for blessing my broken road for it led me straight to Him!

Phil Wickam is singing at Linger right now. As he was singing the bridge & chorus of Hillsong's Oceans, I was completely reduced to tears. Satan has stolen so uch from me, but God has been blessing me with so much more.

I have never felt more accepted in my life as I do in these past 24 hours. Viviana, Lucas' friend, gave me a Valentine's Day card. Lucas shot me a text this morning... these people seem pretty legit!

Day 2 at the Linger Conference. I got here at 7:30 and was literally the first person here other thank two workers. It's so quiet! I decided to break the silences with thoughts of prayer. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but I do know good things are about to be happening. I am truly blessed to have the mentor I have. He keeps me growing and keeps my eyes focused on God. I am thankful that I have two jobs so I can afford food, gas, and bills again. Good things are finally happening.

Still at Longer and Ben Stuart is talking about anxiety. I never realized how stressed I always am. I feel like I'm constantly being pushed to a breaking point. A point where I start to feel unloved, unwanted, and suicidal. I want to break this pattern.

I met a guy named Lucas C, he introduced me to his group of friends and we all sat together for lunch. I don't know if this is a prayer answered of a lesion learned. Either way, God is really speaking to me during this conference.

I wish I had a close Christian brother. I wish I had Christian friends. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm texting Chad right now, during these amazing Chick-fil-a videos, and asked if we could hang after. He said he needs to do family time. I'm not mad or upset, but it just made me really wish I had a family. I think it just put me into a small depression

It's crazy how much my life has been turning around, thanks to Chad, thanks to God. I just got a second job. I'm at Chick-fil-a again. I'm actually watching orientation videos right now. I'm also going to a stewardship class at Gateway. Things are finally turning around!

I'm sitting at Chad's church, Northwood, right now. Two things first pop into my head. (1) I am so thankful for Gateway. I'm thankful for Pastor Robert Morris. I'm thankful for his spirit-led leadership and how he leads his church. (2) I'm also thankful for the atmosphere of Gateway. You can feel the spirit move there, especially during worship. It's not that I don't not like this church, I just sense disorganization and some immaturity from the pastor. He gets side tracked a lot and cracks jokes that distracts from the message. Then again, I am not a pastor and I don't know his life. Maybe this church just isn't for me. I will continue to come though, this is my mentor's church and he is being fed here. I trust him and want to walk like him because he is the closest person I know that walks like Jesus did.

Why does suicide keep creeping in my head?

Two days ago, I gave Chad some homework; to do the 5 Love Language text, the Spiritual Gifts test, and the Strengths Finder test. Yesterday, he did all of them. His top love languages are Acts of Service tied with Words of Affirmation (9), followed by Physical Touch (8), Quality Time (3), and Receiving Gifts (1). His top strengths are Adaptability, Connectedness, Strategic, Belief, and Futuristic. His top spiritual gifts are Faith (35), Exhortation (33), Giving (32), Mercy (31), Wisdom (31), and Pastor (31).  After seeing his "personality traits," I feel like I understand him a little better now. I still don't understand why he cares so much about me though.. random side note, I think I'm starting to like basketball... how weird! I've watched two games and was thoroughly entertained both times!

I have been reduced to complete humility with Chad today. We chatted for a bit after everyone left the gym; we talked about quiet time and about demons. We went to go pick up his daughter and I confessed to him about a struggle I've been having and he come at me with straight love. We also prayed over a demon I dreamt about last night (the same one that used to haunt me). On top of all that, he bought me dinner. It was really hard accepting that because up 'til now, no one has ever really gave me anything. I've never really received any gifts from anyone, not even on Christmas. Chad, on the other hand, has given me so much. I don't understand it at all.

I asked Chad what his views on me where three days ago and he said, "emotional, hurt, venerable, caring, loving, loveable, weak, stubborn, someone who would die for me." I'm very curious to see how those change in the next few weeks/months/years. It's crazy to even ponder the fact that Chad will still want to know me that long or even the fact that I may not push him out of my life. I've never had someone in my life that I feel safe around. He is the first person I really look up to. He is a true man of God; you can even see it in his eyes, I how he talks, in how he operates around others. I think it's fair to say that God put him in my life to show me what a true Christ follower looks like.

I was just looking back on the past "entries" in here. One of the last times I wrote in here (11/12/14), I was searching for a mentor and a gym partner. What's crazy is that Chad is now my mentor and he has been training me in the gym. I didn't even put two-and-two together 'til just now! It was a desire of mine and God answered it!

I'm at the Linger Conference at Watermark Church. I got here at 7:30am; it starts at 10. I'm wandering around the church and checking it out and I stumbled across a "prayer room" (an IHOP style prayer room). Tears instantly filled my eyes as I walked in hearing, "Jesus paid it all/all to Him I owe/sin has left a crimson state/He washed it white as snow.