I am on the place ride back to the states right now. Looking back on this week, it has certainly changed my life forever. First off, I met Jacob and Josh. Talked to them last night during our "see-ya" bonfire. It feels good to finally have brother in Christ. Brothers I can really trust. Secondly, I really got to know myself. I learned that it is okay to cry and break if I need to. I learned that I actually have a fight in me. Thirdly, I made friends here that I know will be in my life for quite sometime. Heck, I'll be hosting a small group at my place with these folks. Fourthly, I got a word that still rings in my head. I got the recording from Eli!! The word from Nancy on that mountain was amazing! I'm tired and am going to take a nap... I'll probably be back in a second!

Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.

I guess I'm moving to Honduras

The Reverend (Jimmy) is sharing a part of his testimony on a phone call he got when his son was starting to pass away... I just had a flashback of when Jev passed away. When Cait called me and told me he was dead. On Aug. 16, it will be 4 years since he passed. I never really thought about the day he passed until just now. I wish this hurt, this pain, this sorrow would just go away. But I'm to scared to let it go... to let him go.

God, loves me... I need to believe that to be true. He loves me as an individual.

Last night was one of the most emotional days I've had here. Yesterday day, Reverend Jimmy Hughes brought to me up and used me as a prop in his sermon. Then he brought up Jacob. I represented flesh and he, soul. Jimmy had both of us in a headlock at one point and Jacob turned to me and told me, "Listen to this, it's for you." After it was over, Nicole, Josh and Hope all said the same thing to me. Hope said she was in tears 'cause of it. Jimmy even gave me a word on how God sees who I really am and that I've been beaten and broken by a lot of people. Jacob, Hope, Nicole, and Josh all said it was "spot on." Later that night, this girl (Taylor), Nicole, Josh, and Jacob all went outside so we can pray over Jacob and his shoulder and Josh for his hands. It was amazing to watch Jacob get healed! We brought it up during our group's nighty get together and we just started a healing frenzy. Backs were popping that have never popped before. Spines straightened. Just a ton of things. I opened up to the group about my thoughts of suicide and my plan for it when I get back to the states and I broke down. I was ugly. Tears and not... gross! Everyone prayed for me and I had to leave the room. I couldn't stop crying. Hope and Nicole found where I went and hugged me and cried with me. Never really had friends like that. It reminded me (just now as I write this) of the time Kaleb took me to his church when it was closed and I broke down on the floor. That was the first time I ever really felt like I had a real friend. After I stopped crying with Hope and Nicole, I stayed up 'til 1:30am talking to the leader of this group, Johnny. I opened up in the rawest way I ever have with someone. (Meaning my guard was 100% dropped). As I'm writing this, Wayne (another leader here) gave me a note. I will keep it in the back of this book. My life is changing so much here!

Wayne's Note
Logan,
   You're unique bro. But it's good. There is a level of authenticity in you that I wasn't sure of at first. Honestly, I judged you. For that I'm sorry. It's that I don't get excited about much and you seem to be excited about a lot. But it's not a weakness, if anything it's a strength. Never let anyone silence your authentic joy. Authenticity of the heart pleases the Father so much. Never feel like you have to put on a show for people. Who you are in Christ is more than enough. Be joyful, be loud, be you with an authentic heart and watch what God does. 

I guess I need to start with last night, or yesterday at that. Boot camp was super intense; it was a team challenge as well as individual. It took trusting yourself as well as trusting others (something I'm not used to). We crawled through mud under barbed wire. Walked blindfolded through a hard course while only listening to your partners voice with others crossing at the same time (many voices at once). Jumping off a cliff into a lake. And for my team, I climbed up a robe that was about 30+ feet out of the water. Literally doubted I could do it, but I was actually the fastest to the top and didn't even struggle. We did more things, but those really stuck out to me. After that, we drove 30 minutes into the mountain (after we went back and showered). We handed out beans and rice to really poor families. Jacob got the sides of his head buzzed by a Honduras guy that was cutting his sons hair. It was such an amazing moment! We also met a prophetess that gave us a word. A word that shook my world. She told me that He hears my cries and He will surprise me by the end of the year. She said more, but I can't remember. I'm hoping Eli got it all on camera though so I can hear it. Last but definitely not least, Jacob and I broke away from the group and just talked. I opened up to hi ma bit more and told he told me he was glad I did. I really don't trust people but I can see us being good buds. I can see a genuineness in him, something that is hard to come by these days. I can't wait to see what God has in store for everyone today, has in store for me. I really want Him to be real to me.


MY WORD
The Lord hugs you today, and he tells me He is with you over your heart. I speak in the name of Jesus, that great things, that all your desires, that your dreams will come to pass. The Lord says this year will not end without you seeing my glory. "I will surprise you" says the Lord, "You have been crying out for a long time for something you have that I desire that has been in your heart and it hasn't been fulfilled. But wait on me" says the Lord, "because those who wait on me will have new strength."

I'm too tired to elaborate on boot camp today and the spoken word that was given to me and about my conversation I just had with Jacob, but today has been life changing and I hope to never forget it.

I really don't have much to share this morning except for the fact that I shared my testimony with Josh, Jacob, and Eli last night. I think it brought us close together. We come from different walks of life, but we are all here for one purpose... it's amazing. Only time will tell if these friendships last, but ultimately, I just want to trust in You... only You!

Father, bring my heart close to you.

Last night, I shared my testimony with Sky and Nicole and they shared theirs. I went after Nicole and Sky went after me. I opened up about my recent thoughts of suicide and while Sky was sharing her testimony, she opened up about her thoughts for the first time. There was so much breakthrough last night... I was left in awe. Today, we are going to a Women's Maximum Security Prison and I am so excited to get in there. Also, I keep feeling a push to open up to Brandon. I don't know if I'll do it yet.

I was the first to wake up here in Honduras at Casa Santiago. I picked up my Bible, devotional (which I bought to start here), and my iPod. I read in Thessalonians first for 2 chapters, but quickly realized it wasn't for me just yet. I opened to Proverbs 13 and You spoke to me when I read verse 18. It says, "If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored." In my head, I was thinking that I don't struggle with correction and criticism, but God, I guess He thinks otherwise. I felt like He was telling me to stop being so spoiled and ignorant. Even though I have never been spoiled, I live like I do. Where did it come from? Why do I feel like people always owe me something? I need to change this... I need to change me. This place, where I am now, will change me. I just need to fight going back to the 'world' so I can stay changed.

You know how people always say, "Someone out there has it worse than you." Well, I finally found those people that have it worse. Today at the orphanage, I met kids from 1 year old to 19 years old that all have had such traumatic experiences in their lives that I literally couldn't imagine how they can keep their composure. It's God... that's how! One set of kids (brother and sister) watched a gang cut their mom to death from head to toe. Another girl was sexually abused by her dad, he was thrown in jail for drug charges. Her mom got the bright idea to sneak drugs into the prison via her own daughters private parts until they eventually got infected and she almost died from it. The stories literally go on and on. An 11 year old having a kid from a rape... Hearing these stories opened my eyes to not only reality but to see how God can heal ANY wound, no matter how deep. My thoughts of suicide for what I've been through and what I am going through now seem so stupid, selfish, and lame. It's only day 1 and I'm already being impacted in a way I never saw possible.

It has literally been years since I've written in here. I lost this notebook in Missouri, but ended up finding it in Texas (which is where I live now) only three days ago. I think it's amazing how I kept track of my prayer life in here. Now Lord, I think it's crazy to see how these events still affect me. Actually, a couple months ago, my cousin's ex A. Sargent shot himself where she passed away. When that happened I think all of my memories resurfaced and sent me into a huge depression. A depression, that I'm still trying to get out of. Right now, I'm actually on United Airlines on my way to Honduras on a mission trip. Ironically, I feel so far from you Lord. I've stayed pretty closed off to people 'cause everyone has pretty much walked out on me. Actually, going through all the names in here, Kaleb is the only person I still have contact with. There are 25 people on this trip, I went to school with one of them. Her name is Hope. We aren't super close, but I do know she is a woman of God. I know I can call her a friend. There is a dude named Brandon (one of 3 of our leaders) that seems really cool. On this trip, I am hoping to grow closer to you God. I also pray that I can let someone in and not get hurt. Mostly, I want to experience you God. I need you back.