Today I decided to fast from food for the first time. I'm doing it for Robert L. I've never fasted like this for anyone before, but I felt the need to. I don't want anything to hinder his walk with God or cloud his judgment and I feel like his ex is doing that, which is weird because I don't know anything about her or their relationship. So because of this, I've gone without food this while day and have been praying constantly for him. I've never felt so hungry in my life, but I know this will help. I'm just asking for a word from God!

I'm sitting at CFNI again. Handing with Johnny wasn't bad, but I don't think he is someone I can look up to as a mentor. I really want a group of Christian guys to be around. I need community so bad. I don't want to go through life alone anymore. I'm really to let people in, even if it's going to get me hurt.

Today I was supposed to meet up with Johnny P. at 10am but then he pushed it back to grab lunch because of a meeting... then he told me to be at his place at 1:45 and that he already ate. This makes me really not want to meet up at all...

It is so weird being back in Denton right now. I decided to go to The Village with Evan W. He is now engaged! So much has changed since I last saw him. He sacrificed so much for me when I didn't know Christ and His love. I am so thankful to have him back in my life!

Kari Jobe just got done singing Forever at church. We. just took communion and I'm slowly realizing just what Jesus did for me. I'm realizing those books in the Bible are more than just stories, they are lives lived by real people. More things are making sense to me!

I'm starting this new moleskin journal because I ran out of room in my other one. Right now, I'm watching Steven Furtick's on iTunes called Death To Selfie. I've always loved Elevation Worship, but never heard any messages until now. Pastor Furtick spoke at the Gateway Conference and the message was by far one of the best messages I've heard in a while. I would actually go on to say that it saved my life. I decided that depression has no place in my life anymore. I want to improve my prayer life. I want to hold my good influences closer and get rid of the bad. Robert is one of the biggest influences in my life right now. He is a man of God and isn't afraid to show it. I'm not close to him, but that just means I need to find a group of Christian guys to have in my life. I need to start hanging around Bree and Ivy more often again as well. I refuse to let my life go down the drain again. I want to be an instrument for God to us. I can't wait to see what this season of my life holds for me! Can't wait to go back on the pages of this journal and see where life has taken me!

I'm sitting in the auditorium at Gateway waiting for Habitation to start. My life is in pieces right now. If I were to die, would anyone care? How long will it take for someone to notice? lol, literally as I was writing this, Kim and Luis (folks I went to TKUG with) came up to me and Kim just started praying for me. (Someone just gave me a word while I was writing this) She literally just told me someone is going to have a word for me. This random lady, probably in 50s or 60s just told me to stay close to Robert. Trust in him because he trusts in Him (she pointed up). She then said that he really does care, stop questioning it! How the hell did that just happen!? My whole body has chills. Is He finally reaching me? Why now? Kind feel like it's too late... isn't it? Someone just came up to me and said that he felt led to ask me if I knew anyone looking for a job, he is a manager at Del Frisco's...

I'm sitting at CFNI (Christ For the Nations Institute) right now. Robert invited me to a worship night here. I haven't been to church in so long, I forgot what it feels like to worship. I forgot what it feels like to feel an atmosphere shift with His presence. I feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm not even worth God's love. I feel like I don't deserve a friend like Robert. We aren't even close, but I feel like I'm way too messed up to even be cared about. I feel God's presence here, but at the same time, I feel so alone. I feel invisible. The sky could be so clear, but yet I can still find that one gloomy cloud in the sky that ruins my day... why? I just want to be loved. I just want a male friend that is a good influence. I just want God to be as real to me as everyone makes Him out to be. So far, this Robert dude has been more of a positive influence to me than the folks in my life has. Is it God that put this dude in my life to help me turn my life around? Is He using him to help me find my way back?

I’m sitting here in the airport waiting to get on my flight to St. Louis. This trip is going to be so bitter sweet. I’m excited that I get to go home and see some familiar places and faces, but the downfall is that I’m only there for 3 days and I’m going because of my grandma’s funeral. I haven’t seen a lot of these folks in a long time. I honestly don’t even know if I’m excited to see them or not. I feel like these people aren’t ever in my life. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this family. Lol, I never really felt like I belonged with them… heck, have I ever felt like I belonged anywhere? Just recently I started to realize how much I long to feel a part of something.. I just need to figure out what that something is. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Today as I was driving to April's house to go run 10 miles, my arm pit started hurting from my new tattoo. I started praying, "God, this sucks.. take the pain away" Quickly, God spoke to me saying, "Are you going to fight through all the pain, blood, sweat, and tears to see the beautiful masterpiece I have in store for you or are you going to give up and not get to see what I have in store."

I am on the place ride back to the states right now. Looking back on this week, it has certainly changed my life forever. First off, I met Jacob and Josh. Talked to them last night during our "see-ya" bonfire. It feels good to finally have brother in Christ. Brothers I can really trust. Secondly, I really got to know myself. I learned that it is okay to cry and break if I need to. I learned that I actually have a fight in me. Thirdly, I made friends here that I know will be in my life for quite sometime. Heck, I'll be hosting a small group at my place with these folks. Fourthly, I got a word that still rings in my head. I got the recording from Eli!! The word from Nancy on that mountain was amazing! I'm tired and am going to take a nap... I'll probably be back in a second!

Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.

I guess I'm moving to Honduras

The Reverend (Jimmy) is sharing a part of his testimony on a phone call he got when his son was starting to pass away... I just had a flashback of when Jev passed away. When Cait called me and told me he was dead. On Aug. 16, it will be 4 years since he passed. I never really thought about the day he passed until just now. I wish this hurt, this pain, this sorrow would just go away. But I'm to scared to let it go... to let him go.

God, loves me... I need to believe that to be true. He loves me as an individual.

Last night was one of the most emotional days I've had here. Yesterday day, Reverend Jimmy Hughes brought to me up and used me as a prop in his sermon. Then he brought up Jacob. I represented flesh and he, soul. Jimmy had both of us in a headlock at one point and Jacob turned to me and told me, "Listen to this, it's for you." After it was over, Nicole, Josh and Hope all said the same thing to me. Hope said she was in tears 'cause of it. Jimmy even gave me a word on how God sees who I really am and that I've been beaten and broken by a lot of people. Jacob, Hope, Nicole, and Josh all said it was "spot on." Later that night, this girl (Taylor), Nicole, Josh, and Jacob all went outside so we can pray over Jacob and his shoulder and Josh for his hands. It was amazing to watch Jacob get healed! We brought it up during our group's nighty get together and we just started a healing frenzy. Backs were popping that have never popped before. Spines straightened. Just a ton of things. I opened up to the group about my thoughts of suicide and my plan for it when I get back to the states and I broke down. I was ugly. Tears and not... gross! Everyone prayed for me and I had to leave the room. I couldn't stop crying. Hope and Nicole found where I went and hugged me and cried with me. Never really had friends like that. It reminded me (just now as I write this) of the time Kaleb took me to his church when it was closed and I broke down on the floor. That was the first time I ever really felt like I had a real friend. After I stopped crying with Hope and Nicole, I stayed up 'til 1:30am talking to the leader of this group, Johnny. I opened up in the rawest way I ever have with someone. (Meaning my guard was 100% dropped). As I'm writing this, Wayne (another leader here) gave me a note. I will keep it in the back of this book. My life is changing so much here!

Wayne's Note
Logan,
   You're unique bro. But it's good. There is a level of authenticity in you that I wasn't sure of at first. Honestly, I judged you. For that I'm sorry. It's that I don't get excited about much and you seem to be excited about a lot. But it's not a weakness, if anything it's a strength. Never let anyone silence your authentic joy. Authenticity of the heart pleases the Father so much. Never feel like you have to put on a show for people. Who you are in Christ is more than enough. Be joyful, be loud, be you with an authentic heart and watch what God does. 

I guess I need to start with last night, or yesterday at that. Boot camp was super intense; it was a team challenge as well as individual. It took trusting yourself as well as trusting others (something I'm not used to). We crawled through mud under barbed wire. Walked blindfolded through a hard course while only listening to your partners voice with others crossing at the same time (many voices at once). Jumping off a cliff into a lake. And for my team, I climbed up a robe that was about 30+ feet out of the water. Literally doubted I could do it, but I was actually the fastest to the top and didn't even struggle. We did more things, but those really stuck out to me. After that, we drove 30 minutes into the mountain (after we went back and showered). We handed out beans and rice to really poor families. Jacob got the sides of his head buzzed by a Honduras guy that was cutting his sons hair. It was such an amazing moment! We also met a prophetess that gave us a word. A word that shook my world. She told me that He hears my cries and He will surprise me by the end of the year. She said more, but I can't remember. I'm hoping Eli got it all on camera though so I can hear it. Last but definitely not least, Jacob and I broke away from the group and just talked. I opened up to hi ma bit more and told he told me he was glad I did. I really don't trust people but I can see us being good buds. I can see a genuineness in him, something that is hard to come by these days. I can't wait to see what God has in store for everyone today, has in store for me. I really want Him to be real to me.


MY WORD
The Lord hugs you today, and he tells me He is with you over your heart. I speak in the name of Jesus, that great things, that all your desires, that your dreams will come to pass. The Lord says this year will not end without you seeing my glory. "I will surprise you" says the Lord, "You have been crying out for a long time for something you have that I desire that has been in your heart and it hasn't been fulfilled. But wait on me" says the Lord, "because those who wait on me will have new strength."

I'm too tired to elaborate on boot camp today and the spoken word that was given to me and about my conversation I just had with Jacob, but today has been life changing and I hope to never forget it.

I really don't have much to share this morning except for the fact that I shared my testimony with Josh, Jacob, and Eli last night. I think it brought us close together. We come from different walks of life, but we are all here for one purpose... it's amazing. Only time will tell if these friendships last, but ultimately, I just want to trust in You... only You!

Father, bring my heart close to you.

Last night, I shared my testimony with Sky and Nicole and they shared theirs. I went after Nicole and Sky went after me. I opened up about my recent thoughts of suicide and while Sky was sharing her testimony, she opened up about her thoughts for the first time. There was so much breakthrough last night... I was left in awe. Today, we are going to a Women's Maximum Security Prison and I am so excited to get in there. Also, I keep feeling a push to open up to Brandon. I don't know if I'll do it yet.

I was the first to wake up here in Honduras at Casa Santiago. I picked up my Bible, devotional (which I bought to start here), and my iPod. I read in Thessalonians first for 2 chapters, but quickly realized it wasn't for me just yet. I opened to Proverbs 13 and You spoke to me when I read verse 18. It says, "If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored." In my head, I was thinking that I don't struggle with correction and criticism, but God, I guess He thinks otherwise. I felt like He was telling me to stop being so spoiled and ignorant. Even though I have never been spoiled, I live like I do. Where did it come from? Why do I feel like people always owe me something? I need to change this... I need to change me. This place, where I am now, will change me. I just need to fight going back to the 'world' so I can stay changed.

You know how people always say, "Someone out there has it worse than you." Well, I finally found those people that have it worse. Today at the orphanage, I met kids from 1 year old to 19 years old that all have had such traumatic experiences in their lives that I literally couldn't imagine how they can keep their composure. It's God... that's how! One set of kids (brother and sister) watched a gang cut their mom to death from head to toe. Another girl was sexually abused by her dad, he was thrown in jail for drug charges. Her mom got the bright idea to sneak drugs into the prison via her own daughters private parts until they eventually got infected and she almost died from it. The stories literally go on and on. An 11 year old having a kid from a rape... Hearing these stories opened my eyes to not only reality but to see how God can heal ANY wound, no matter how deep. My thoughts of suicide for what I've been through and what I am going through now seem so stupid, selfish, and lame. It's only day 1 and I'm already being impacted in a way I never saw possible.

It has literally been years since I've written in here. I lost this notebook in Missouri, but ended up finding it in Texas (which is where I live now) only three days ago. I think it's amazing how I kept track of my prayer life in here. Now Lord, I think it's crazy to see how these events still affect me. Actually, a couple months ago, my cousin's ex A. Sargent shot himself where she passed away. When that happened I think all of my memories resurfaced and sent me into a huge depression. A depression, that I'm still trying to get out of. Right now, I'm actually on United Airlines on my way to Honduras on a mission trip. Ironically, I feel so far from you Lord. I've stayed pretty closed off to people 'cause everyone has pretty much walked out on me. Actually, going through all the names in here, Kaleb is the only person I still have contact with. There are 25 people on this trip, I went to school with one of them. Her name is Hope. We aren't super close, but I do know she is a woman of God. I know I can call her a friend. There is a dude named Brandon (one of 3 of our leaders) that seems really cool. On this trip, I am hoping to grow closer to you God. I also pray that I can let someone in and not get hurt. Mostly, I want to experience you God. I need you back.