I talked to Jev's mom today on his aim (anightinthetank). She isn't doing good, please be with her and the rest of the family. Also with Cait, she is so heart broken.

So I know what it was all about, that Casey texted me for. He is pissed off at me 'cause he thought I lied to him about crap and he thought I was wanting him to have pity on me. That was a slap in the face. God, you know that I talked to him and Kaleb for different reasons. I learned so much from them both. I looked up to them like brothers. Now they are both gone and I'm alone, abandoned, once again. This time it hurts so much more though. Am I a bad person? Lord, I'm trying to rest in you, but I can't keep having people walk out on me. Especially right now. This is the time I need you and them most! What do I do? I'm lost and hurt.

Lord, I don't know what to think anymore. C. Peterson used to be such a great friend of mine, but now he is like a stranger. The last time I talked to him was when Sarah passed. I have called and texted since then and he just now texted back saying "hey, what's up"... I donno!? What IS up?

What a great day at work today! Thanks so much for making it happen, I really needed it! Thanks!!

Lord, these last few days hasn't been easy, but I can also tell that you are making it easier for me. You are bringing so many cool people into my life. J. Johnson, to mention one, is one of the coolest persons I've met. We just met up at Bread Co. today and we had a great conversation about you. He is taking so much time to talk to me and be here for me. M. Horton took me under his wing and gave me a place to stay. Hay Wah is here for/with me every hard step of the way. There is so much your doing to make my life easier. It's making these days easier. I may not know why I'm going through the things I am right now, but I know it's all in your hands and it's for the better. Lord, I will rest in that and I will rest in you. I love you!

Lord, I can't even sleep anymore. I just stay in bed all day. I can't believe all this is going on. To add fuel to the fire, V. Kimberlin told me not to talk to him anymore. He says I should "be a man" and "get over it." He also thinks I'm gay. Maybe that's the real reason he stopped talking to me. Thanks Lord, for having one more person walk out on me! It can't get any better than this!

So, I thought I'd write my thoughts out. Lord, y thoughts are getting the best of me. I just read one of Jev's notes on Facebook. He wrote it when he was coming off a high. He was talking about how alone he was and how he had no friends, at that I broke into tears at my register at work. At the very end of the note, he said how he coulda killed someone that night and then he said how he coulda killed himself... I don't think Jev knew how many people cared about him.. hell, I loved him like my big brother. I remember all those nights we stayed up talking and crying and laughing. I won't ever forget him. I never really thanked him for all his help. But I know he knew it meant a lot. It meant a lot that he called me his little brother. Thanks for listening God!

Well Lord, here I am again, falling apart. I just found out last night that Jevon passed away on Aug. 12th. I read his obituary that he passed away due to "head trauma from an accidental fall." I'm guessing alcohol was involved. Lord, between this and the rape, what do I do. Jev used to be my big brother. We talked about so much. We went through a ton together. Help me get through this.

Lord, life is getting hard again. I know your there! I'm strong all because of you. I know you were there 2 days ago when I was raped. I'm at the base right now to talk with some people about it. Please be with me, I'm scared. I don't wanna deal with all this stuff. Take it all away. In your name I pray.

Wow Lord! Thanks so much for the MTV show, If You Really Knew Me. It's showing me that I'm not alone in this world and the many things I feel, other people feel too. I'm at work right now and it gives me a new found respect for these everyday customers and co-workers. It makes me wanna get to know them on a more personal basis. What would they have to share? What is their story? What are they going through? What's their everyday thoughts? Lord, thanks for this show. It's giving me such an understanding for people. Lord, also, right now I ask that you help me trust. I know I lack so much in that department, but I need to start growing there before I close my heart off to everyone. It is in your awesome name I pray!

Lord, I come to you right now in the bleachers of my former high school. I look and see four people running and four people walking and one person catching his breathe. I wonder what's going on in their lives. On the outside they seem like they have it all together, but do they? Or am I the only one here that's trying to hold it together? Three months and Sarah's death still has me messed up. Everything still has me messed up God. God, lately I've been growing close to you but right now I feel far apart. I feel alone, unwanted, unloved. Lord, right now I ask that you fold your arms around me. Let me feel your love. I'm so tired of being hurt and sad. Get those emotions away from me. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I wanna love for you. I wanna be on fire for you again. Please help me!

Hello again! It's been a while since I've written in here. I just fell away from God. Sarah's death really took it's toll on me. I just recently started finding my way back to God. I've been going to Matthias Lot lately, met this dude named M. Horton. I'm staying with him and his roommate J. McCarthy for a bit so I can get back on my feet. I found that living with my dad was getting me depressed and I was close to ending my life a month ago. I'm somewhat happy now. I'm praying again and reading the bible! But I'm still struggling with drinking. It's gonna be harder now 'cause I just turned 21. Oh yeah! I just got a tattoo of a cross on my wrist. It symbolizes how God will NEVER leave me... it gives me hope.