Lord, Jev's death has been weighing down on me really hard on me lately. I can't stop crying, I feel so hopeless.

Hey Lord, I feel really depressed right now. I'm at Grace Church sitting next to Haylie. I haven't talked to her since the rape, she just disappeared on me. I texted her yesterday and kinda went off on her. I just miss having her around.

So here I am Lord, sitting here freaked out. I know it's been a while since I've written in here or prayed, but I need you Lord. I know your good and I see things you can do. I crashed my car this morning and still praised you for your greatness. I love you.

Holy cow! I've been up since 5:30am and went to work (first day) at Express Scripts and got off at 3:30 and then got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway for 40 minutes while on my way into Lowe's only to arrive 11 minutes late. I'm closing tonight (10pm)... so I'm working 16 hours today.. I feel dead. But I love you!

So sorry Lord for how much I drank last night. I should have never let myself get that low. Thanks for taking care of me though. I can't believe you still love me after all that I do. I guess it goes to show how great and merciful you truly are.

Lord, I'm at the bar right now, drunk... I need you. I hate life!

Lord, I think it's finally time to talk about my Grandpa. I miss him so much and I actually haven't talked about him since he passed away and it just started eating at me today, and I just realized how much I miss him. I have so many memories of him and his house. What sucks is that I took his presence for granted. I thought he was invincible and when he got sick, I ran. I got scared and ran away and I shouldn't have. Lord, you know how much I love him. It was only about a week before he passed that I started visiting him in the nursing home and I was in the room when he passed. That image is forever burnt in my head. Lord, I miss the time we went to Sam's Club to eat all their free samples and I miss going to the pound to visit the animals. I miss going "bumming" with him to all the stores. I miss hearing him sing. The way he talked about grandma was just amazing. His love for her is indescribable. I miss his white '99 Chrysler Cirrus. I miss sitting out on the back porch looking at the birdbath to my let and the tree that grandma planted with a tee spoon (now a gigantic tree) to my right. I remember every room in that house. I can do a complete walkthrough in my mind. And every room and hallway and even staircase has it's own memory(s). Just writing about all this to you is like taking a walk through a movie in my head. I keep tearing up Lord. I wanna just let all this out, but I can't 'cause I'm at work. Lord, who can I run to? Who can I cry to? Bryan W is at work, I can't go to anyone else, can I? I have a feeling Dan is not gonna be around anymore and to everyone else I just act like I'm fine... I'm not Lord!