You know how people always say, "Someone out there has it worse than you." Well, I finally found those people that have it worse. Today at the orphanage, I met kids from 1 year old to 19 years old that all have had such traumatic experiences in their lives that I literally couldn't imagine how they can keep their composure. It's God... that's how! One set of kids (brother and sister) watched a gang cut their mom to death from head to toe. Another girl was sexually abused by her dad, he was thrown in jail for drug charges. Her mom got the bright idea to sneak drugs into the prison via her own daughters private parts until they eventually got infected and she almost died from it. The stories literally go on and on. An 11 year old having a kid from a rape... Hearing these stories opened my eyes to not only reality but to see how God can heal ANY wound, no matter how deep. My thoughts of suicide for what I've been through and what I am going through now seem so stupid, selfish, and lame. It's only day 1 and I'm already being impacted in a way I never saw possible.

It has literally been years since I've written in here. I lost this notebook in Missouri, but ended up finding it in Texas (which is where I live now) only three days ago. I think it's amazing how I kept track of my prayer life in here. Now Lord, I think it's crazy to see how these events still affect me. Actually, a couple months ago, my cousin's ex A. Sargent shot himself where she passed away. When that happened I think all of my memories resurfaced and sent me into a huge depression. A depression, that I'm still trying to get out of. Right now, I'm actually on United Airlines on my way to Honduras on a mission trip. Ironically, I feel so far from you Lord. I've stayed pretty closed off to people 'cause everyone has pretty much walked out on me. Actually, going through all the names in here, Kaleb is the only person I still have contact with. There are 25 people on this trip, I went to school with one of them. Her name is Hope. We aren't super close, but I do know she is a woman of God. I know I can call her a friend. There is a dude named Brandon (one of 3 of our leaders) that seems really cool. On this trip, I am hoping to grow closer to you God. I also pray that I can let someone in and not get hurt. Mostly, I want to experience you God. I need you back.

Still in this prayer room. Met this security guard named D. Blount. He was really cool. We talked like we've known each other for ages. I love this place so much... I love you!

So I'm back in Kansas City, at IHOP. It's so amazing here. I just grabbed "coffee" with C. Carson and we chatted for a couple hours. Can't wait to chill with you in the prayer room. I'm trying to get close to you again. I'm struggling so much mentally and in sin. I need you so bad and please help me stop with all this sin. I love you and I trust. I wanna be with you and tell people about you. I want people to see you in me. I wont give up 'cause you care!

Well this is the first time I've written to you from Express Scripts! I just wanted to say thanks for throwing L. McCourtney in my life. Also, I messaged this dude I met at the ASU/SEMO retreat named K. Reilly. I met him on Saturday when I joined a group kicking around a soccer ball. We chatted about life and he was in the Marines... he was a cool cat! But anyways, I messaged him on Facebook and told him about the whole suicide thing and how I didn't do it and why. He was chill about it and I gave him my number so we can chat more.. Lord, I wanna grow in you and be close again.

Wow God! Met this dude here named L. McCourtney. He told me everything I needed to hear. Maybe I should give this life one more try.

Well Lord, I guess tomorrow is it. I told myself last Sunday, if nothing changes in the next week, then I'm ending it all. So far things got worse. If you're gonna make something happen, then do it 'cause I'm done!