I’m sitting here in the airport waiting to get on my flight to St. Louis. This trip is going to be so bitter sweet. I’m excited that I get to go home and see some familiar places and faces, but the downfall is that I’m only there for 3 days and I’m going because of my grandma’s funeral. I haven’t seen a lot of these folks in a long time. I honestly don’t even know if I’m excited to see them or not. I feel like these people aren’t ever in my life. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this family. Lol, I never really felt like I belonged with them… heck, have I ever felt like I belonged anywhere? Just recently I started to realize how much I long to feel a part of something.. I just need to figure out what that something is. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Today as I was driving to April's house to go run 10 miles, my arm pit started hurting from my new tattoo. I started praying, "God, this sucks.. take the pain away" Quickly, God spoke to me saying, "Are you going to fight through all the pain, blood, sweat, and tears to see the beautiful masterpiece I have in store for you or are you going to give up and not get to see what I have in store."

I am on the place ride back to the states right now. Looking back on this week, it has certainly changed my life forever. First off, I met Jacob and Josh. Talked to them last night during our "see-ya" bonfire. It feels good to finally have brother in Christ. Brothers I can really trust. Secondly, I really got to know myself. I learned that it is okay to cry and break if I need to. I learned that I actually have a fight in me. Thirdly, I made friends here that I know will be in my life for quite sometime. Heck, I'll be hosting a small group at my place with these folks. Fourthly, I got a word that still rings in my head. I got the recording from Eli!! The word from Nancy on that mountain was amazing! I'm tired and am going to take a nap... I'll probably be back in a second!

Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.

I guess I'm moving to Honduras

The Reverend (Jimmy) is sharing a part of his testimony on a phone call he got when his son was starting to pass away... I just had a flashback of when Jev passed away. When Cait called me and told me he was dead. On Aug. 16, it will be 4 years since he passed. I never really thought about the day he passed until just now. I wish this hurt, this pain, this sorrow would just go away. But I'm to scared to let it go... to let him go.

God, loves me... I need to believe that to be true. He loves me as an individual.