Wow Lord! Thanks so much for the MTV show, If You Really Knew Me. It's showing me that I'm not alone in this world and the many things I feel, other people feel too. I'm at work right now and it gives me a new found respect for these everyday customers and co-workers. It makes me wanna get to know them on a more personal basis. What would they have to share? What is their story? What are they going through? What's their everyday thoughts? Lord, thanks for this show. It's giving me such an understanding for people. Lord, also, right now I ask that you help me trust. I know I lack so much in that department, but I need to start growing there before I close my heart off to everyone. It is in your awesome name I pray!

Lord, I come to you right now in the bleachers of my former high school. I look and see four people running and four people walking and one person catching his breathe. I wonder what's going on in their lives. On the outside they seem like they have it all together, but do they? Or am I the only one here that's trying to hold it together? Three months and Sarah's death still has me messed up. Everything still has me messed up God. God, lately I've been growing close to you but right now I feel far apart. I feel alone, unwanted, unloved. Lord, right now I ask that you fold your arms around me. Let me feel your love. I'm so tired of being hurt and sad. Get those emotions away from me. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I wanna love for you. I wanna be on fire for you again. Please help me!

Hello again! It's been a while since I've written in here. I just fell away from God. Sarah's death really took it's toll on me. I just recently started finding my way back to God. I've been going to Matthias Lot lately, met this dude named M. Horton. I'm staying with him and his roommate J. McCarthy for a bit so I can get back on my feet. I found that living with my dad was getting me depressed and I was close to ending my life a month ago. I'm somewhat happy now. I'm praying again and reading the bible! But I'm still struggling with drinking. It's gonna be harder now 'cause I just turned 21. Oh yeah! I just got a tattoo of a cross on my wrist. It symbolizes how God will NEVER leave me... it gives me hope.

It's been a while since I've written in here. So much as happened that it feels like a whirlwind of emotions are running through me. My cousin Sarah just passed away in a car accident last Friday.. four days ago. I've been having trouble sleeping. Last night I stayed up and cried and finally fell asleep an hour before I was supposed to get up for work. Then Kristine (my department manager) told me her sister knew Sarah and I'm finding out that she was thrown out of the truck window and the truck fell on top of her... man, that image is stuck in my head now. Also, Kristine's sister is telling me the wake is Friday and funeral is Saturday, but Angie (my cousin) is telling me that she doesn't really know.. why would she lie?

Oh man, this morning sucked Lord. I woke up and started getting ready for work and that song, "The House That Built Me" came on. It reminded me of gramps and his hose. I miss him so much. I've been crying at work and I can't stop. Please be with me Lord.. I need you!

So I'm sitting in the park by Creve Coeur's Lake and waterfall and I think It's so amazing how beautiful you are Lord! Everything you make is just beautiful and amazing! I praise you so much for this day and this life. It's so peaceful listening to the water falling and this music on my phone. I pray to you Lord, that I never forget this moment in my life. That I tell my kids about this moment.

So I'm at work right now and the Head Cashier is totally stressing me out. So here I am writing in this thing. Right now would be a good time to pray, so I would like to pray for Alex. I pray that you be with him. Help him say yes or no and help him become humble and to love others more. Help him conquer the sin of lust, 'cause we all know how hard it is to overcome that. Just be with him as he makes decisions in his life. Help ease his mind and be slow to react with anger. Help him be patient with his mom and help him understand her more. Most importantly, Lord, I ask that you help him remain in Your word and help him grow more in You. It is in Your name I pray... Amen.