I have never felt more like crap. I'm at The Porch right now and mainly came to see Lucas because I don't get to see him during the week When it came time to sit in our seats, I got pushed to sit behind him. It's surprising that the seat meant more than the visitor (This is the first time I've been to The Porch). He's rather have a better seat than sit by a friend of his. it made me feel rejected, unwanted, not cared for, small, and inadequate. After tonight, I doubt I'll ever come back here, let alone talk to Lucas again. I don't know why it hurts so much, it shouldn't I just met the dude about two weeks ago. Easy come, easy go.

I met up with Lucas this morning and opened up to him about what I'm walking through in life right now. I'm sitting with him at church 'cause I missed it this morning. I'm starting to think my life is going to turn around!

Once again, Kari Jobe reduced me to tears. Healing tears. I almost forgot how thick God could get and how real He is. How much He loves me, and how He knows every single detail about me. I am not alone and I'm not meant to walk this life by myself. I have a mentor that loves me and hopefully new friends that do too, but most importantly, I am loved by Him!

Why are my thoughts of suicide increasing right now? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. Chad will call the cops, these new friends will reject me, and my old friends want me to drink. I feel lost, stuck, and alone. I just don't want to live anymore! All I want are people around me that really love Jesus (a solid community) and for me to forget my past... that's it!

I feel so alive during worship. I feel God is close, yet when it stops, I can't stop thinking of suicide. I hate myself and I don't know why.

Thank you God for blessing my broken road for it led me straight to Him!

Phil Wickam is singing at Linger right now. As he was singing the bridge & chorus of Hillsong's Oceans, I was completely reduced to tears. Satan has stolen so uch from me, but God has been blessing me with so much more.