There is not an ounce of me that wants to be alive. I feel like I'm unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved. Tonight we went to a country bar to go dancing and every time Lauren turned me down to dance, Cory would ask her and she would say yes. Andrea was mean to me almost this whole day. Cory would buy Todd a beer, but not me, which made me feel like crap. One thing I learned about these people from this trip is that these are people I can't surround myself with. I'd be kicked to the curb so fast if a "hot guy" was standing in front of Lauren. Andrea thinks of herself first. Cory isn't a big fan of me. I feel like I'm so alone and that's all I'll ever be. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm on a road trip to California right now with Cory. Andrea, and Lauren. To be honest, thoughts of suicide have been high for me. Even right now, I'd love to die. I feel like everything is caving in and I'm so broke, I can't even afford to breathe air. I'm hoping this trip will remind me of who I am.

This is the only thing that will "listen" to me. I turned 26 on August 1st (it was on a Saturday), my close friends made plans without me. I spent the whole weekend alone. I've never felt so unwanted and uncared for before... and today I feel so alone that I could take my life right now.

It's been a while since I've written in this, or even blogged for that matter. This isn't really saying much expect the fact that I miss this... that's all!

This retreat is coming to an end and I'm leaving changed. How could you not though? I'm waiting for breakfast right now, it's at 8:45, so I have 20 minutes. I've had conversations here with people that were so unexpected... actually, the only conversations I had here were unexpected. For once, I chose to listen rather than talk. I loved it!

I'm on a retreat at Gateway's young adult group (VII). So much of me is changing lately. Not just this weekend, but that Men's Summit to now, I'm a totally different guy... I'm turning into a man. Todd L gave me a work, I think I'm going to type it up and put it in the back of this. I have no idea where my life is heading or the person I'm going to be, but for once, I have high hopes. I don't want me to define myself by my past anymore. I'm ready to heal and move on! I'm determined to overcome my depression. I'm determined to move on from current and past circumstances. I'm ready to be a true man of God, even if it means I have to dive out of my comfort zone. No more defenses, no more guarding, no more fighting. It's time to let people in, even if it means I'm going to get hurt again!

Todd Lane's word for me:
I have a word for Schlogan. Now, I feel now this could be a word for others. I know Schlogan, we meet on occasion. So, I'm just declaring that to you that there's part of this that I do know about him. But here's what I felt, there's a significance.. and I know going into this retreat you were like, "You know, I don't necessary know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me." And I felt today that there is something significant about this retreat. Here's what I felt like the Lord began to show me: Your life has been marked by significant events, a lot of them are tragic. So, you are one who has been marked; there are mile markers in your life. And those mile markers have been part of what you carry about yourself. Today is a new mile marker. This weekend is a new and significant shift. So every one of those events that have been tragic and have affected your life, they've been part of building an armor. And you've come here this weekend and your armor is sort of.. and when I say armor, it's not been part of a good armor, but it's part of what you've built around yourself; It's tattered, it's torn, it's frayed. And this weekend, what God is wanting to do, is He's grabbing all of that and He is ripping it off. And He's creating a new mile marker in this day. And as opposed to all events that patched up things on you and began to build things around you. In one foul swoop, He is tearing that one down and He is building a new armor, on you this weekend. And I want to encourage you and anyone else in here, as you hear that and you feel like your life has been marked by events that have been tragic and events that have marked you. That's how you've carried them, you let them mark you. And I want you to embrace and accept this word today. Today is a tearing down or ripping off of the old guard that's been built around you, that's been built around your heart; it's a ripping and tearing down. And then as opposed to a lot of other times of "who built this!?" He's creating a new one. Building it from the feet up all the way to surrounding your head. Guard your heart, change the thinking. Put the helmet of Salvation over you. It's new. This is a significant weekend. This is the mile marker you going to remember now. This is what is marking you. God, today, is marking you. And the armor that you wear now is not the armor of old. It's a armor of new, created fully by Him. And with that new armor, you'll walk in a new way. You'll carry yourself in a new way. How you walk and carried yourself in the old armor might have been how that armor was designed. It could have been clunky, it could have weighed you down, or this or that. The new armor will carry you in a new way. You're going to walk in it in a new way and a fresh way.

I just completely lost myself in worship for the first time in a long time. I got so overwhelmed I had to hold in the tears or I would have broken down. David Moore's song The Hand I Hold completely captivated me and reminded me of why I'm still fighting in this world. I'm determined to get through this depression; get through this darkness. I'm ready to fight!