Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm weak; sometimes I fall in my wandering. I feel like my life has been one giant rollercoaster on its way to derailment. Today, I NEEDED to get out of the house. Where did I go/Where am I? Gateway of course! The doors are almost always open here. I feel safe here. I think it's time to say what I'm thankful for because I have been so down and out lately. Todd L, words can't describe how thankful I am for him. He's been my mentor and father figure for me since I gave my life to God a little over 2 years ago. Ryan W, for getting me back into church after two months and for being a great friend to me... we went to my first Rangers game together! Dalton P, he's not only been a friend, but he's been a brother to me. He's seen my depression first hand and still wants to be around me. Those three I am extremely thankful for. They are all helping me become a man of Christ and helping me to keep going, reminding me that God isn't done with me yet!

I'm sitting at some lake in Texas... It really helps being here. It makes life seem really simple. And just as I write this, a flood of depression came flooding in. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I need to think of a better way to end everything... and just as I wrote this, Dalton told me he couldn't hang because something "came up." I think it's amazing how much people don't want to be around me. I think it's funny that I asked him earlier if we could get together and chat, but I always get a 'no' from everyone. If I were to die, I wonder how fast I'd be forgotten about. I'm so easily overlooked and forgotten about as is. It would mean the world if I just had one friend... that's it. Someone that wanted to hang out, someone that saw through my mess, someone that trusted in me enough to open up, and vice versa. Each day I see myself giving up more and more and each day my thoughts of suicide get worse. Makes me wonder which day will be the day it all becomes too much, gets so bad, that I'll be gone. This journal, this blog, is literally the only thing that I have that is here for me. I'm out of sight, out of mind to everyone else.

This trip is coming to a close and we are on the road back home. One thing I've learned is that I need better friends. There were a lot of moments where Lauren and Andrea treated me like crap. Lauren dangles herself in front of guys while "talking" to other ones. Andrea is extremely self-centered. It's all sad to say, but it's true. It's now time to break away from these people and start over... again.

There is not an ounce of me that wants to be alive. I feel like I'm unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved. Tonight we went to a country bar to go dancing and every time Lauren turned me down to dance, Cory would ask her and she would say yes. Andrea was mean to me almost this whole day. Cory would buy Todd a beer, but not me, which made me feel like crap. One thing I learned about these people from this trip is that these are people I can't surround myself with. I'd be kicked to the curb so fast if a "hot guy" was standing in front of Lauren. Andrea thinks of herself first. Cory isn't a big fan of me. I feel like I'm so alone and that's all I'll ever be. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm on a road trip to California right now with Cory. Andrea, and Lauren. To be honest, thoughts of suicide have been high for me. Even right now, I'd love to die. I feel like everything is caving in and I'm so broke, I can't even afford to breathe air. I'm hoping this trip will remind me of who I am.

This is the only thing that will "listen" to me. I turned 26 on August 1st (it was on a Saturday), my close friends made plans without me. I spent the whole weekend alone. I've never felt so unwanted and uncared for before... and today I feel so alone that I could take my life right now.

It's been a while since I've written in this, or even blogged for that matter. This isn't really saying much expect the fact that I miss this... that's all!

This retreat is coming to an end and I'm leaving changed. How could you not though? I'm waiting for breakfast right now, it's at 8:45, so I have 20 minutes. I've had conversations here with people that were so unexpected... actually, the only conversations I had here were unexpected. For once, I chose to listen rather than talk. I loved it!

I'm on a retreat at Gateway's young adult group (VII). So much of me is changing lately. Not just this weekend, but that Men's Summit to now, I'm a totally different guy... I'm turning into a man. Todd L gave me a work, I think I'm going to type it up and put it in the back of this. I have no idea where my life is heading or the person I'm going to be, but for once, I have high hopes. I don't want me to define myself by my past anymore. I'm ready to heal and move on! I'm determined to overcome my depression. I'm determined to move on from current and past circumstances. I'm ready to be a true man of God, even if it means I have to dive out of my comfort zone. No more defenses, no more guarding, no more fighting. It's time to let people in, even if it means I'm going to get hurt again!

Todd Lane's word for me:
I have a word for Schlogan. Now, I feel now this could be a word for others. I know Schlogan, we meet on occasion. So, I'm just declaring that to you that there's part of this that I do know about him. But here's what I felt, there's a significance.. and I know going into this retreat you were like, "You know, I don't necessary know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me." And I felt today that there is something significant about this retreat. Here's what I felt like the Lord began to show me: Your life has been marked by significant events, a lot of them are tragic. So, you are one who has been marked; there are mile markers in your life. And those mile markers have been part of what you carry about yourself. Today is a new mile marker. This weekend is a new and significant shift. So every one of those events that have been tragic and have affected your life, they've been part of building an armor. And you've come here this weekend and your armor is sort of.. and when I say armor, it's not been part of a good armor, but it's part of what you've built around yourself; It's tattered, it's torn, it's frayed. And this weekend, what God is wanting to do, is He's grabbing all of that and He is ripping it off. And He's creating a new mile marker in this day. And as opposed to all events that patched up things on you and began to build things around you. In one foul swoop, He is tearing that one down and He is building a new armor, on you this weekend. And I want to encourage you and anyone else in here, as you hear that and you feel like your life has been marked by events that have been tragic and events that have marked you. That's how you've carried them, you let them mark you. And I want you to embrace and accept this word today. Today is a tearing down or ripping off of the old guard that's been built around you, that's been built around your heart; it's a ripping and tearing down. And then as opposed to a lot of other times of "who built this!?" He's creating a new one. Building it from the feet up all the way to surrounding your head. Guard your heart, change the thinking. Put the helmet of Salvation over you. It's new. This is a significant weekend. This is the mile marker you going to remember now. This is what is marking you. God, today, is marking you. And the armor that you wear now is not the armor of old. It's a armor of new, created fully by Him. And with that new armor, you'll walk in a new way. You'll carry yourself in a new way. How you walk and carried yourself in the old armor might have been how that armor was designed. It could have been clunky, it could have weighed you down, or this or that. The new armor will carry you in a new way. You're going to walk in it in a new way and a fresh way.

I just completely lost myself in worship for the first time in a long time. I got so overwhelmed I had to hold in the tears or I would have broken down. David Moore's song The Hand I Hold completely captivated me and reminded me of why I'm still fighting in this world. I'm determined to get through this depression; get through this darkness. I'm ready to fight!

I'm at the Men's Summit at Gateway right now. God is bringing so much restoration to my heart and my soul. I ran into Alex L, someone who has rejected me and hurt me. I ran into Jonathan H, someone who I felt rejected me, but was letting God do work in me (so he says). Rob W, someone who I really looked up to but walked out on me. And as I'm writing this, I ran into someone I met at Grace Church when he was in middle school (Six78). I'm in complete shock with how much of my past is here right now.

I have never felt more like crap. I'm at The Porch right now and mainly came to see Lucas because I don't get to see him during the week When it came time to sit in our seats, I got pushed to sit behind him. It's surprising that the seat meant more than the visitor (This is the first time I've been to The Porch). He's rather have a better seat than sit by a friend of his. it made me feel rejected, unwanted, not cared for, small, and inadequate. After tonight, I doubt I'll ever come back here, let alone talk to Lucas again. I don't know why it hurts so much, it shouldn't I just met the dude about two weeks ago. Easy come, easy go.

I met up with Lucas this morning and opened up to him about what I'm walking through in life right now. I'm sitting with him at church 'cause I missed it this morning. I'm starting to think my life is going to turn around!

Once again, Kari Jobe reduced me to tears. Healing tears. I almost forgot how thick God could get and how real He is. How much He loves me, and how He knows every single detail about me. I am not alone and I'm not meant to walk this life by myself. I have a mentor that loves me and hopefully new friends that do too, but most importantly, I am loved by Him!

Why are my thoughts of suicide increasing right now? I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. Chad will call the cops, these new friends will reject me, and my old friends want me to drink. I feel lost, stuck, and alone. I just don't want to live anymore! All I want are people around me that really love Jesus (a solid community) and for me to forget my past... that's it!

I feel so alive during worship. I feel God is close, yet when it stops, I can't stop thinking of suicide. I hate myself and I don't know why.

Thank you God for blessing my broken road for it led me straight to Him!

Phil Wickam is singing at Linger right now. As he was singing the bridge & chorus of Hillsong's Oceans, I was completely reduced to tears. Satan has stolen so uch from me, but God has been blessing me with so much more.

I have never felt more accepted in my life as I do in these past 24 hours. Viviana, Lucas' friend, gave me a Valentine's Day card. Lucas shot me a text this morning... these people seem pretty legit!

Day 2 at the Linger Conference. I got here at 7:30 and was literally the first person here other thank two workers. It's so quiet! I decided to break the silences with thoughts of prayer. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but I do know good things are about to be happening. I am truly blessed to have the mentor I have. He keeps me growing and keeps my eyes focused on God. I am thankful that I have two jobs so I can afford food, gas, and bills again. Good things are finally happening.