Last night, I shared my testimony with Sky and Nicole and they shared theirs. I went after Nicole and Sky went after me. I opened up about my recent thoughts of suicide and while Sky was sharing her testimony, she opened up about her thoughts for the first time. There was so much breakthrough last night... I was left in awe. Today, we are going to a Women's Maximum Security Prison and I am so excited to get in there. Also, I keep feeling a push to open up to Brandon. I don't know if I'll do it yet.

I was the first to wake up here in Honduras at Casa Santiago. I picked up my Bible, devotional (which I bought to start here), and my iPod. I read in Thessalonians first for 2 chapters, but quickly realized it wasn't for me just yet. I opened to Proverbs 13 and You spoke to me when I read verse 18. It says, "If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored." In my head, I was thinking that I don't struggle with correction and criticism, but God, I guess He thinks otherwise. I felt like He was telling me to stop being so spoiled and ignorant. Even though I have never been spoiled, I live like I do. Where did it come from? Why do I feel like people always owe me something? I need to change this... I need to change me. This place, where I am now, will change me. I just need to fight going back to the 'world' so I can stay changed.

You know how people always say, "Someone out there has it worse than you." Well, I finally found those people that have it worse. Today at the orphanage, I met kids from 1 year old to 19 years old that all have had such traumatic experiences in their lives that I literally couldn't imagine how they can keep their composure. It's God... that's how! One set of kids (brother and sister) watched a gang cut their mom to death from head to toe. Another girl was sexually abused by her dad, he was thrown in jail for drug charges. Her mom got the bright idea to sneak drugs into the prison via her own daughters private parts until they eventually got infected and she almost died from it. The stories literally go on and on. An 11 year old having a kid from a rape... Hearing these stories opened my eyes to not only reality but to see how God can heal ANY wound, no matter how deep. My thoughts of suicide for what I've been through and what I am going through now seem so stupid, selfish, and lame. It's only day 1 and I'm already being impacted in a way I never saw possible.

It has literally been years since I've written in here. I lost this notebook in Missouri, but ended up finding it in Texas (which is where I live now) only three days ago. I think it's amazing how I kept track of my prayer life in here. Now Lord, I think it's crazy to see how these events still affect me. Actually, a couple months ago, my cousin's ex A. Sargent shot himself where she passed away. When that happened I think all of my memories resurfaced and sent me into a huge depression. A depression, that I'm still trying to get out of. Right now, I'm actually on United Airlines on my way to Honduras on a mission trip. Ironically, I feel so far from you Lord. I've stayed pretty closed off to people 'cause everyone has pretty much walked out on me. Actually, going through all the names in here, Kaleb is the only person I still have contact with. There are 25 people on this trip, I went to school with one of them. Her name is Hope. We aren't super close, but I do know she is a woman of God. I know I can call her a friend. There is a dude named Brandon (one of 3 of our leaders) that seems really cool. On this trip, I am hoping to grow closer to you God. I also pray that I can let someone in and not get hurt. Mostly, I want to experience you God. I need you back.

Still in this prayer room. Met this security guard named D. Blount. He was really cool. We talked like we've known each other for ages. I love this place so much... I love you!

So I'm back in Kansas City, at IHOP. It's so amazing here. I just grabbed "coffee" with C. Carson and we chatted for a couple hours. Can't wait to chill with you in the prayer room. I'm trying to get close to you again. I'm struggling so much mentally and in sin. I need you so bad and please help me stop with all this sin. I love you and I trust. I wanna be with you and tell people about you. I want people to see you in me. I wont give up 'cause you care!

Well this is the first time I've written to you from Express Scripts! I just wanted to say thanks for throwing L. McCourtney in my life. Also, I messaged this dude I met at the ASU/SEMO retreat named K. Reilly. I met him on Saturday when I joined a group kicking around a soccer ball. We chatted about life and he was in the Marines... he was a cool cat! But anyways, I messaged him on Facebook and told him about the whole suicide thing and how I didn't do it and why. He was chill about it and I gave him my number so we can chat more.. Lord, I wanna grow in you and be close again.