Today as I was driving to April's house to go run 10 miles, my arm pit started hurting from my new tattoo. I started praying, "God, this sucks.. take the pain away" Quickly, God spoke to me saying, "Are you going to fight through all the pain, blood, sweat, and tears to see the beautiful masterpiece I have in store for you or are you going to give up and not get to see what I have in store."

I am on the place ride back to the states right now. Looking back on this week, it has certainly changed my life forever. First off, I met Jacob and Josh. Talked to them last night during our "see-ya" bonfire. It feels good to finally have brother in Christ. Brothers I can really trust. Secondly, I really got to know myself. I learned that it is okay to cry and break if I need to. I learned that I actually have a fight in me. Thirdly, I made friends here that I know will be in my life for quite sometime. Heck, I'll be hosting a small group at my place with these folks. Fourthly, I got a word that still rings in my head. I got the recording from Eli!! The word from Nancy on that mountain was amazing! I'm tired and am going to take a nap... I'll probably be back in a second!

Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.

I guess I'm moving to Honduras

The Reverend (Jimmy) is sharing a part of his testimony on a phone call he got when his son was starting to pass away... I just had a flashback of when Jev passed away. When Cait called me and told me he was dead. On Aug. 16, it will be 4 years since he passed. I never really thought about the day he passed until just now. I wish this hurt, this pain, this sorrow would just go away. But I'm to scared to let it go... to let him go.

God, loves me... I need to believe that to be true. He loves me as an individual.

Last night was one of the most emotional days I've had here. Yesterday day, Reverend Jimmy Hughes brought to me up and used me as a prop in his sermon. Then he brought up Jacob. I represented flesh and he, soul. Jimmy had both of us in a headlock at one point and Jacob turned to me and told me, "Listen to this, it's for you." After it was over, Nicole, Josh and Hope all said the same thing to me. Hope said she was in tears 'cause of it. Jimmy even gave me a word on how God sees who I really am and that I've been beaten and broken by a lot of people. Jacob, Hope, Nicole, and Josh all said it was "spot on." Later that night, this girl (Taylor), Nicole, Josh, and Jacob all went outside so we can pray over Jacob and his shoulder and Josh for his hands. It was amazing to watch Jacob get healed! We brought it up during our group's nighty get together and we just started a healing frenzy. Backs were popping that have never popped before. Spines straightened. Just a ton of things. I opened up to the group about my thoughts of suicide and my plan for it when I get back to the states and I broke down. I was ugly. Tears and not... gross! Everyone prayed for me and I had to leave the room. I couldn't stop crying. Hope and Nicole found where I went and hugged me and cried with me. Never really had friends like that. It reminded me (just now as I write this) of the time Kaleb took me to his church when it was closed and I broke down on the floor. That was the first time I ever really felt like I had a real friend. After I stopped crying with Hope and Nicole, I stayed up 'til 1:30am talking to the leader of this group, Johnny. I opened up in the rawest way I ever have with someone. (Meaning my guard was 100% dropped). As I'm writing this, Wayne (another leader here) gave me a note. I will keep it in the back of this book. My life is changing so much here!

Wayne's Note
Logan,
   You're unique bro. But it's good. There is a level of authenticity in you that I wasn't sure of at first. Honestly, I judged you. For that I'm sorry. It's that I don't get excited about much and you seem to be excited about a lot. But it's not a weakness, if anything it's a strength. Never let anyone silence your authentic joy. Authenticity of the heart pleases the Father so much. Never feel like you have to put on a show for people. Who you are in Christ is more than enough. Be joyful, be loud, be you with an authentic heart and watch what God does.