Still at Longer and Ben Stuart is talking about anxiety. I never realized how stressed I always am. I feel like I'm constantly being pushed to a breaking point. A point where I start to feel unloved, unwanted, and suicidal. I want to break this pattern.

I met a guy named Lucas C, he introduced me to his group of friends and we all sat together for lunch. I don't know if this is a prayer answered of a lesion learned. Either way, God is really speaking to me during this conference.

I wish I had a close Christian brother. I wish I had Christian friends. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm texting Chad right now, during these amazing Chick-fil-a videos, and asked if we could hang after. He said he needs to do family time. I'm not mad or upset, but it just made me really wish I had a family. I think it just put me into a small depression

It's crazy how much my life has been turning around, thanks to Chad, thanks to God. I just got a second job. I'm at Chick-fil-a again. I'm actually watching orientation videos right now. I'm also going to a stewardship class at Gateway. Things are finally turning around!

I'm sitting at Chad's church, Northwood, right now. Two things first pop into my head. (1) I am so thankful for Gateway. I'm thankful for Pastor Robert Morris. I'm thankful for his spirit-led leadership and how he leads his church. (2) I'm also thankful for the atmosphere of Gateway. You can feel the spirit move there, especially during worship. It's not that I don't not like this church, I just sense disorganization and some immaturity from the pastor. He gets side tracked a lot and cracks jokes that distracts from the message. Then again, I am not a pastor and I don't know his life. Maybe this church just isn't for me. I will continue to come though, this is my mentor's church and he is being fed here. I trust him and want to walk like him because he is the closest person I know that walks like Jesus did.

Why does suicide keep creeping in my head?