This is the only thing that will "listen" to me. I turned 26 on August 1st (it was on a Saturday), my close friends made plans without me. I spent the whole weekend alone. I've never felt so unwanted and uncared for before... and today I feel so alone that I could take my life right now.

It's been a while since I've written in this, or even blogged for that matter. This isn't really saying much expect the fact that I miss this... that's all!

This retreat is coming to an end and I'm leaving changed. How could you not though? I'm waiting for breakfast right now, it's at 8:45, so I have 20 minutes. I've had conversations here with people that were so unexpected... actually, the only conversations I had here were unexpected. For once, I chose to listen rather than talk. I loved it!

I'm on a retreat at Gateway's young adult group (VII). So much of me is changing lately. Not just this weekend, but that Men's Summit to now, I'm a totally different guy... I'm turning into a man. Todd L gave me a work, I think I'm going to type it up and put it in the back of this. I have no idea where my life is heading or the person I'm going to be, but for once, I have high hopes. I don't want me to define myself by my past anymore. I'm ready to heal and move on! I'm determined to overcome my depression. I'm determined to move on from current and past circumstances. I'm ready to be a true man of God, even if it means I have to dive out of my comfort zone. No more defenses, no more guarding, no more fighting. It's time to let people in, even if it means I'm going to get hurt again!

Todd Lane's word for me:
I have a word for Schlogan. Now, I feel now this could be a word for others. I know Schlogan, we meet on occasion. So, I'm just declaring that to you that there's part of this that I do know about him. But here's what I felt, there's a significance.. and I know going into this retreat you were like, "You know, I don't necessary know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me." And I felt today that there is something significant about this retreat. Here's what I felt like the Lord began to show me: Your life has been marked by significant events, a lot of them are tragic. So, you are one who has been marked; there are mile markers in your life. And those mile markers have been part of what you carry about yourself. Today is a new mile marker. This weekend is a new and significant shift. So every one of those events that have been tragic and have affected your life, they've been part of building an armor. And you've come here this weekend and your armor is sort of.. and when I say armor, it's not been part of a good armor, but it's part of what you've built around yourself; It's tattered, it's torn, it's frayed. And this weekend, what God is wanting to do, is He's grabbing all of that and He is ripping it off. And He's creating a new mile marker in this day. And as opposed to all events that patched up things on you and began to build things around you. In one foul swoop, He is tearing that one down and He is building a new armor, on you this weekend. And I want to encourage you and anyone else in here, as you hear that and you feel like your life has been marked by events that have been tragic and events that have marked you. That's how you've carried them, you let them mark you. And I want you to embrace and accept this word today. Today is a tearing down or ripping off of the old guard that's been built around you, that's been built around your heart; it's a ripping and tearing down. And then as opposed to a lot of other times of "who built this!?" He's creating a new one. Building it from the feet up all the way to surrounding your head. Guard your heart, change the thinking. Put the helmet of Salvation over you. It's new. This is a significant weekend. This is the mile marker you going to remember now. This is what is marking you. God, today, is marking you. And the armor that you wear now is not the armor of old. It's a armor of new, created fully by Him. And with that new armor, you'll walk in a new way. You'll carry yourself in a new way. How you walk and carried yourself in the old armor might have been how that armor was designed. It could have been clunky, it could have weighed you down, or this or that. The new armor will carry you in a new way. You're going to walk in it in a new way and a fresh way.

I just completely lost myself in worship for the first time in a long time. I got so overwhelmed I had to hold in the tears or I would have broken down. David Moore's song The Hand I Hold completely captivated me and reminded me of why I'm still fighting in this world. I'm determined to get through this depression; get through this darkness. I'm ready to fight!

I'm at the Men's Summit at Gateway right now. God is bringing so much restoration to my heart and my soul. I ran into Alex L, someone who has rejected me and hurt me. I ran into Jonathan H, someone who I felt rejected me, but was letting God do work in me (so he says). Rob W, someone who I really looked up to but walked out on me. And as I'm writing this, I ran into someone I met at Grace Church when he was in middle school (Six78). I'm in complete shock with how much of my past is here right now.

I have never felt more like crap. I'm at The Porch right now and mainly came to see Lucas because I don't get to see him during the week When it came time to sit in our seats, I got pushed to sit behind him. It's surprising that the seat meant more than the visitor (This is the first time I've been to The Porch). He's rather have a better seat than sit by a friend of his. it made me feel rejected, unwanted, not cared for, small, and inadequate. After tonight, I doubt I'll ever come back here, let alone talk to Lucas again. I don't know why it hurts so much, it shouldn't I just met the dude about two weeks ago. Easy come, easy go.