Wow, it's been a second since I dove in here. So, I'm in Chicago right now... for the second weekend in a row. I love this city, it's so beautiful. I walk through it listening to worship music, looking at your beauty and I can't help but cry. Your amazing Lord! I'm with someone I met last weekend (Ryan B). He knows who you are, but I fear that his relationship with you is lacking. I pray that his heart be open and you come in and fill it. Lord, I also pray that you help me through Jev's death.. 5 months and it still hurts, more than ever! I just can't grasp it. When I look out this apartment window, I see your beauty, I see your strength, I see your love... I see you. Knowing that your around every corner is such a comfort. I love you too!

Lord, I'm so sorry for my absence in my prayer life. You have no idea how much your helping me through this hard time. Thank you for bringing me Ben C. into my life. I spent this weekend at his house here in Hillsboro. I'm so thankful for letting me witness just how a Christian family functions. They are so loving! I opened up to Ben last night... about everything. For the first time, I felt safe being venerable and crying. I'm learning so much from him. He has so much love. In a way I feel like I don't even deserve a friend like this. Lord, you are so good to me, even though I suck as a person. Although I don't know why I'm going through all this, I DO know your keeping me safe. Thank you for that! Thank you for my job, my car, Sam and Jenny, thank you for music Lord. I'm laying down here watching Bed read in Exodus. He has such a deep love for you Lord. I wanna be there. I wanna know more of you! I wanna have people ask why I'm so different, and I wanna reply with your name. I give all thanks to you. I wanna have a Christian family. I want everyone to love you. I wanna love you and be in your word more Lord. I wanna pray more. I can do all this with you!

Hey Lord, last night was really really difficult. I miss Jev so much. I cried so hard last night, I wish I could feel your arms around me. Mike Patrick isn't really here anymore, but he says he is by not talking to me, which makes no sense. Also, I met this guy named Marty F. I ran into him at Grace as he was coming out of an NA meeting. I asked him to be my sponsor about 2 weeks after I met him. He's been sober/clean for about 2 years. He asked me to come to some meetings with him. I'm kinda scared, but I know I can do it. LOL! I feel like I'm playing a game of catch up right now. I haven't been in here as much.. I got into a car accident last Friday and called off of work at Lowe's (I was on my way into Express Scripts) and they fired me on Sunday. On Saturday, Casey and I went to the Lemp Haunted House. It seems like things are getting better. (No more 16 hour work days!) But at the same time I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. However, I do want to thank you for blessing me with this job at Express Scripts. It was well needed. I love you Lord!

Lord, Jev's death has been weighing down on me really hard on me lately. I can't stop crying, I feel so hopeless.

Hey Lord, I feel really depressed right now. I'm at Grace Church sitting next to Haylie. I haven't talked to her since the rape, she just disappeared on me. I texted her yesterday and kinda went off on her. I just miss having her around.

So here I am Lord, sitting here freaked out. I know it's been a while since I've written in here or prayed, but I need you Lord. I know your good and I see things you can do. I crashed my car this morning and still praised you for your greatness. I love you.

Holy cow! I've been up since 5:30am and went to work (first day) at Express Scripts and got off at 3:30 and then got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway for 40 minutes while on my way into Lowe's only to arrive 11 minutes late. I'm closing tonight (10pm)... so I'm working 16 hours today.. I feel dead. But I love you!