Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.

I guess I'm moving to Honduras

The Reverend (Jimmy) is sharing a part of his testimony on a phone call he got when his son was starting to pass away... I just had a flashback of when Jev passed away. When Cait called me and told me he was dead. On Aug. 16, it will be 4 years since he passed. I never really thought about the day he passed until just now. I wish this hurt, this pain, this sorrow would just go away. But I'm to scared to let it go... to let him go.

God, loves me... I need to believe that to be true. He loves me as an individual.

Last night was one of the most emotional days I've had here. Yesterday day, Reverend Jimmy Hughes brought to me up and used me as a prop in his sermon. Then he brought up Jacob. I represented flesh and he, soul. Jimmy had both of us in a headlock at one point and Jacob turned to me and told me, "Listen to this, it's for you." After it was over, Nicole, Josh and Hope all said the same thing to me. Hope said she was in tears 'cause of it. Jimmy even gave me a word on how God sees who I really am and that I've been beaten and broken by a lot of people. Jacob, Hope, Nicole, and Josh all said it was "spot on." Later that night, this girl (Taylor), Nicole, Josh, and Jacob all went outside so we can pray over Jacob and his shoulder and Josh for his hands. It was amazing to watch Jacob get healed! We brought it up during our group's nighty get together and we just started a healing frenzy. Backs were popping that have never popped before. Spines straightened. Just a ton of things. I opened up to the group about my thoughts of suicide and my plan for it when I get back to the states and I broke down. I was ugly. Tears and not... gross! Everyone prayed for me and I had to leave the room. I couldn't stop crying. Hope and Nicole found where I went and hugged me and cried with me. Never really had friends like that. It reminded me (just now as I write this) of the time Kaleb took me to his church when it was closed and I broke down on the floor. That was the first time I ever really felt like I had a real friend. After I stopped crying with Hope and Nicole, I stayed up 'til 1:30am talking to the leader of this group, Johnny. I opened up in the rawest way I ever have with someone. (Meaning my guard was 100% dropped). As I'm writing this, Wayne (another leader here) gave me a note. I will keep it in the back of this book. My life is changing so much here!

Wayne's Note
Logan,
   You're unique bro. But it's good. There is a level of authenticity in you that I wasn't sure of at first. Honestly, I judged you. For that I'm sorry. It's that I don't get excited about much and you seem to be excited about a lot. But it's not a weakness, if anything it's a strength. Never let anyone silence your authentic joy. Authenticity of the heart pleases the Father so much. Never feel like you have to put on a show for people. Who you are in Christ is more than enough. Be joyful, be loud, be you with an authentic heart and watch what God does. 

I guess I need to start with last night, or yesterday at that. Boot camp was super intense; it was a team challenge as well as individual. It took trusting yourself as well as trusting others (something I'm not used to). We crawled through mud under barbed wire. Walked blindfolded through a hard course while only listening to your partners voice with others crossing at the same time (many voices at once). Jumping off a cliff into a lake. And for my team, I climbed up a robe that was about 30+ feet out of the water. Literally doubted I could do it, but I was actually the fastest to the top and didn't even struggle. We did more things, but those really stuck out to me. After that, we drove 30 minutes into the mountain (after we went back and showered). We handed out beans and rice to really poor families. Jacob got the sides of his head buzzed by a Honduras guy that was cutting his sons hair. It was such an amazing moment! We also met a prophetess that gave us a word. A word that shook my world. She told me that He hears my cries and He will surprise me by the end of the year. She said more, but I can't remember. I'm hoping Eli got it all on camera though so I can hear it. Last but definitely not least, Jacob and I broke away from the group and just talked. I opened up to hi ma bit more and told he told me he was glad I did. I really don't trust people but I can see us being good buds. I can see a genuineness in him, something that is hard to come by these days. I can't wait to see what God has in store for everyone today, has in store for me. I really want Him to be real to me.


MY WORD
The Lord hugs you today, and he tells me He is with you over your heart. I speak in the name of Jesus, that great things, that all your desires, that your dreams will come to pass. The Lord says this year will not end without you seeing my glory. "I will surprise you" says the Lord, "You have been crying out for a long time for something you have that I desire that has been in your heart and it hasn't been fulfilled. But wait on me" says the Lord, "because those who wait on me will have new strength."

I'm too tired to elaborate on boot camp today and the spoken word that was given to me and about my conversation I just had with Jacob, but today has been life changing and I hope to never forget it.