I'm starting this new moleskin journal because I ran out of room in my other one. Right now, I'm watching Steven Furtick's on iTunes called Death To Selfie. I've always loved Elevation Worship, but never heard any messages until now. Pastor Furtick spoke at the Gateway Conference and the message was by far one of the best messages I've heard in a while. I would actually go on to say that it saved my life. I decided that depression has no place in my life anymore. I want to improve my prayer life. I want to hold my good influences closer and get rid of the bad. Robert is one of the biggest influences in my life right now. He is a man of God and isn't afraid to show it. I'm not close to him, but that just means I need to find a group of Christian guys to have in my life. I need to start hanging around Bree and Ivy more often again as well. I refuse to let my life go down the drain again. I want to be an instrument for God to us. I can't wait to see what this season of my life holds for me! Can't wait to go back on the pages of this journal and see where life has taken me!

I'm sitting in the auditorium at Gateway waiting for Habitation to start. My life is in pieces right now. If I were to die, would anyone care? How long will it take for someone to notice? lol, literally as I was writing this, Kim and Luis (folks I went to TKUG with) came up to me and Kim just started praying for me. (Someone just gave me a word while I was writing this) She literally just told me someone is going to have a word for me. This random lady, probably in 50s or 60s just told me to stay close to Robert. Trust in him because he trusts in Him (she pointed up). She then said that he really does care, stop questioning it! How the hell did that just happen!? My whole body has chills. Is He finally reaching me? Why now? Kind feel like it's too late... isn't it? Someone just came up to me and said that he felt led to ask me if I knew anyone looking for a job, he is a manager at Del Frisco's...

I'm sitting at CFNI (Christ For the Nations Institute) right now. Robert invited me to a worship night here. I haven't been to church in so long, I forgot what it feels like to worship. I forgot what it feels like to feel an atmosphere shift with His presence. I feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm not even worth God's love. I feel like I don't deserve a friend like Robert. We aren't even close, but I feel like I'm way too messed up to even be cared about. I feel God's presence here, but at the same time, I feel so alone. I feel invisible. The sky could be so clear, but yet I can still find that one gloomy cloud in the sky that ruins my day... why? I just want to be loved. I just want a male friend that is a good influence. I just want God to be as real to me as everyone makes Him out to be. So far, this Robert dude has been more of a positive influence to me than the folks in my life has. Is it God that put this dude in my life to help me turn my life around? Is He using him to help me find my way back?

I’m sitting here in the airport waiting to get on my flight to St. Louis. This trip is going to be so bitter sweet. I’m excited that I get to go home and see some familiar places and faces, but the downfall is that I’m only there for 3 days and I’m going because of my grandma’s funeral. I haven’t seen a lot of these folks in a long time. I honestly don’t even know if I’m excited to see them or not. I feel like these people aren’t ever in my life. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this family. Lol, I never really felt like I belonged with them… heck, have I ever felt like I belonged anywhere? Just recently I started to realize how much I long to feel a part of something.. I just need to figure out what that something is. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Today as I was driving to April's house to go run 10 miles, my arm pit started hurting from my new tattoo. I started praying, "God, this sucks.. take the pain away" Quickly, God spoke to me saying, "Are you going to fight through all the pain, blood, sweat, and tears to see the beautiful masterpiece I have in store for you or are you going to give up and not get to see what I have in store."

I am on the place ride back to the states right now. Looking back on this week, it has certainly changed my life forever. First off, I met Jacob and Josh. Talked to them last night during our "see-ya" bonfire. It feels good to finally have brother in Christ. Brothers I can really trust. Secondly, I really got to know myself. I learned that it is okay to cry and break if I need to. I learned that I actually have a fight in me. Thirdly, I made friends here that I know will be in my life for quite sometime. Heck, I'll be hosting a small group at my place with these folks. Fourthly, I got a word that still rings in my head. I got the recording from Eli!! The word from Nancy on that mountain was amazing! I'm tired and am going to take a nap... I'll probably be back in a second!

Tonight, I feel loved. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's been a long road to get to where I am right now, but I finally have Christian bros. Josh and Jacob have gotten pretty close to me this week. I let down my guard and took a leap of faith. I've grown to really get to know myself this week. All the crap I've gone through, I'm learning to leave it at the cross. I feel like a new person... heck, people here are telling me that I even look like a new person. I strayed away from God and I'm finally coming back. I'm back to the heart of worship. I know that I have two Christian brothers that really do love me and care. I know I can be honest with them and they will hold me accountable in my walk. I know I can be there for them too. 8 days... In 8 days, my while life has changed. I never needed to be fixed, I never needed to be found, I just needed to be loved. For the first time, I feel that in both God and these two men in Christ.