I'm driving home right now and had to pull over on the side of the road because I can't stop crying. I don't understand how someone could care about me. Right when I was ready to give up and throw it all away, he pops into my life.

I've been sitting up at Battleground Fitness for a good hour juts observing Chad and everyone here. Brooke, an old friend that I knew when I lived in Denton, came in. She reminded me of who I used to be and what I used to be like when I was living there.. I really have come a long way. I think I needed to be reminded of that. These last couple weeks have been one huge blur for me. I've been losing myself hardcore.

I'm starting to see holes in Tanner and red flags. He told me that he'd get into the Bible with me and told me he'd go to a clinic with me for something that's really important, and when he had a chance to do it (either of them), he invited people over to his place rather than being there for me. I feel like his top priority is always Amanda and after that is this circle of friends and after that is me (if I'm even placed there). This moment reinforces that thought.. I feel bad for saying all this because Tanner has done so much for me, but now he is showing signs that he is getting tired of me and before I know it, he is going to walk out on me.

On my way to get my hat and apron for work tomorrow and Tanner invites me to go to Amanda's/ The usual people are going to be there; Mychal, Ally, and Vince. I appreciate the gesture and everything but it would be nice to be involved in the plan making. Be invited by someone other than Tanner (and I know he only invites me 'cause he is my ride and is stuck with me). I know the second Tanner moves away to Cali Mychal and Amanda will no longer talk to me again and we will go back to being strangers. The only reason why I'm around is because of Tanner. Once I have my car again, IF I have my car again, I'd be really surprised if I get invited out.

I'm sitting in the back seat of Amanda's car being a third wheel right now. There is so much going through my head right now and I'm at the point to where I don't want to live anymore... at all

Today I decided to fast from food for the first time. I'm doing it for Robert L. I've never fasted like this for anyone before, but I felt the need to. I don't want anything to hinder his walk with God or cloud his judgment and I feel like his ex is doing that, which is weird because I don't know anything about her or their relationship. So because of this, I've gone without food this while day and have been praying constantly for him. I've never felt so hungry in my life, but I know this will help. I'm just asking for a word from God!

I'm sitting at CFNI again. Handing with Johnny wasn't bad, but I don't think he is someone I can look up to as a mentor. I really want a group of Christian guys to be around. I need community so bad. I don't want to go through life alone anymore. I'm really to let people in, even if it's going to get me hurt.