I'm up at Battleground Fitness right now. I feel so safe here, like all of my cares and worries just go away. As I was writing the date, I just realized I got arrested twice this month.. wow! I feel like so much has been stolen from me. What happened to that small town kid? The one that ran when everyone walked. The one that never second guessed anything. The one that didn't care if people were watching. I used to never feel the bruises put on me from people and laughed when I fell down. I would bounce back from every lose. I was always the first to say, "I love you" to people. I love like it wasn't ever going to hurt... what happened to me? I  became not only afraid of people, but afraid of myself as well. I cringe when people say "I love you" to me. I don't let myself get vulnerable because I'm afraid of the bruises. I want to be that kid again. I feel like the city life has changed me for the worst. What's cool is that I'm starting to have hope come back into my life. I feel like a good change is coming, even though my current circumstances say otherwise. I think true healing begins when you come to where you are broken within. That's what I'm starting to do.

It's been a second since I've written in here. I've switched to writing on my phone the last couple times, but I will be back to writing in here again. My lie has been taking a tumble these last couple weeks. Chad has been here for me these last 10 days(ish). I'm at his son's basketball game right now. This day seemed to have turned around for the better. I just hope I don't run or push this guy away like I do everyone else in my life. I feel like I'm learning so much from him; how to be a man of God, how to follow Christ, how to turn from sin. I actually have hope in my life right now.

I'm driving home right now and had to pull over on the side of the road because I can't stop crying. I don't understand how someone could care about me. Right when I was ready to give up and throw it all away, he pops into my life.

I've been sitting up at Battleground Fitness for a good hour juts observing Chad and everyone here. Brooke, an old friend that I knew when I lived in Denton, came in. She reminded me of who I used to be and what I used to be like when I was living there.. I really have come a long way. I think I needed to be reminded of that. These last couple weeks have been one huge blur for me. I've been losing myself hardcore.

I'm starting to see holes in Tanner and red flags. He told me that he'd get into the Bible with me and told me he'd go to a clinic with me for something that's really important, and when he had a chance to do it (either of them), he invited people over to his place rather than being there for me. I feel like his top priority is always Amanda and after that is this circle of friends and after that is me (if I'm even placed there). This moment reinforces that thought.. I feel bad for saying all this because Tanner has done so much for me, but now he is showing signs that he is getting tired of me and before I know it, he is going to walk out on me.

On my way to get my hat and apron for work tomorrow and Tanner invites me to go to Amanda's/ The usual people are going to be there; Mychal, Ally, and Vince. I appreciate the gesture and everything but it would be nice to be involved in the plan making. Be invited by someone other than Tanner (and I know he only invites me 'cause he is my ride and is stuck with me). I know the second Tanner moves away to Cali Mychal and Amanda will no longer talk to me again and we will go back to being strangers. The only reason why I'm around is because of Tanner. Once I have my car again, IF I have my car again, I'd be really surprised if I get invited out.

I'm sitting in the back seat of Amanda's car being a third wheel right now. There is so much going through my head right now and I'm at the point to where I don't want to live anymore... at all